


Heal Me

by TheAbsolute18



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bromance, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I will edit as I go along, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Mentions of WayV - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Seriously theres a lot of bromance, This story gets dark, Trauma, What Have I Done, let the chaos begin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAbsolute18/pseuds/TheAbsolute18
Summary: An accident takes place that shakes the foundation of their group and leaves their leader with an injury that takes away his ability to perform. Will the members be able to pull through this new challenge to help their leader heal and to mend their members? Or will everything come undone and leave a trail of shattered pieces?
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 52
Kudos: 155





	1. Bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I still suck at summaries. Let me know what you think and hope you like it!

The car glides down the highway, eyes trained on the road and the car now in complete silence. He hates to bring it up, but the other needed to realize that what they were doing was hurting them. 

The roads are covered in a light dusting of snow, and the clouds are dark with nickel size snow flurries falling from the sky to rain down on the earth. To be honest, if they weren’t driving in it, Johnny would have found more enjoyment in this view. 

Johnny finds himself looking through the mirror for the umpteenth time to peek back at the others blonde locks as they continue to browse through their phone, not looking up to meet their gaze after their little spat. 

He feels the tension radiating between them and wonders if Doyoung who sits beside him feels the same uneasiness rising between his elders, but even they knew that Johnny’s argument was valid. He truly had neglected himself and had not been taking care of his body which was leading to more headaches and sleepless nights that left their leader barely present during the day as he seemed to drift in and out throughout the week. 

“Taeyongie,” Johnny tries, watching as the others piercing gaze comes up to meet his in the reflection. “I’m just worried.” He starts but is shut down quickly when the other interjects. 

“And you thought it was a good idea to bring it up in the middle of practice?” Taeyong sounds more annoyed than angry. The leader hates the edge to his tone, but he’s exhausted and wants nothing more than to fall over in his bed and just sleep. He knows his hyung’s right, he knows that he’s lost too much weight and had neglected his health leading to this dreaded feeling that he’s battling with. “Let's just forget it, okay?” His voice is softer now, but the demanding edge to his tone sends chills through the air before he turns back to his phone, looking at the many comments that are dancing across his screen.

Johnny lets out a long sigh, trying to ignore the astringency of the other's tone, he gets it, he does. The stress of the industry can be daunting and not to mention everything with the whole yearbook and their new release, and that sometimes you just needed something to control, something that would make every chaos seem okay. 

“Listen...” he tries again, before stopping when he hears the others phone go cluttering to the ground. 

“Shit...” the blonde mumbles, no longer paying attention to the’.

“Tae,” Johnny’s voice is more demanding now as the other removes the seat belt to retrieve the lost device. “Listen to me for a minute, would you! For god’s sake Tae, we’re here for you, and we’re worried about you.” His words are just flowing from his mouth now but he is too pissed off to stop himself. 

“Just leave it, would you?! Nothing is fucking wrong, not everything has to be a drama!” 

The anger in his words are saying likewise, he knows this because of the shift in the air and the dangerous tone that has taken to his voice, but he doesn’t stop, no. Because the youngers anger just feeds his own. 

“I’m not saying that it’s a drama, I am saying that what you’re doing is unhealthy! You can’t do this kind of shit to your body!” 

“What the fuck are you even going on about?” His voice is higher now, and he catches Doyoung’s shoulders stiffen in the front at the arguing that’s resonating through the vehicle. 

"You two need to stop this!" Doyoung finally cuts in feeling the tension continue to rise.

“You know what I am going on about Taeyong! Taeil saw you, you can barely even eat a few bites of food before you force yourself to vomit, that is what I am going off about!” 

The car suddenly goes quiet and all at once Johnny is regretting the words that he heedlessly spat out in his frustration. 

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, instead, he sits back in his seat, his hands wrapping slowly around his abdomen as he stares out the other side of the window, eyes looking distant and the elder can tell he is biting back the embarrassment and emotions he must feel right now. This wasn’t his place, and he knows that, god he knows that. 

“Hey, I shouldn’t have,” he starts, eyes glancing back. “That wasn’t my...”

“Hyung! Hyung watch out!” It's Doyongs voice that draws his attention back to the road only seconds too late, and before he is able to register what is happening the car is rearing to the side and there is screaming. God, it’s so loud, there’s the sound of metal clashing against the ground and the car, the car is spinning, and suddenly everything is dark. The world around him is in shambles and all he can smell is smoke, smoke, and iron. 

He feels his head lull to the side, his skull is pounding, and his vision’s blurry. What happened? He begins to wonder as the cold from the outdoors comes to greet him, brushing across his ashen skin and blowing snowflakes into their car. The windshield is gone and splattered in red and there is so much glass surrounding them whilst smoke sleeps through the front of the car. 

But why? Suddenly it all comes rushing back to him like a roller coaster that rips over the side of the rail and goes rushing towards the bottom. 

“Hyung.” Comes a quiet voice and he has to blink past something sticky that’s knitted his eye closed before making out Doyong’s body that was lying against the deflated airbag. He can see that the boy is barely coherent but he’s overjoyed to see his glassy gaze blinking and bleeding life. 

Johnny begins to shift his body against the seat his hands searching for the belt before giving it a forceful push losing all support that the belt had once offered and finds his body falling forward into the steering wheel with a sharp gasp. 

His body is in inexplicable pain, there is a dull ache at his side and his head is pounding. There’s a loud noise filling his head and it takes him a minute to realize it is the horn blaring against the weight of his chest. 

He finds himself pushing away from the noise to rest back against the seat, his chest heaving with every shallow breath, and oh god it hurts but his mind is working for him, he’s just in autopilot and watching the scene play out as more smoke billows from the front of the car. Johnny’s hands are moving to work mindlessly at the other seat finally succeeding in removing the belt from across the other's chest and proceeds to open his side door seeing that they were not going to be able to open the others since the door was beaten to shit. But he needs to get them out because the smell of smoke is only getting stronger. 

He begins to pull them both out his side, struggling to get the other smaller form across the consul but succeeding in getting him out of the car and down into the snowy pastures. 

Doyoung-ie,” he mumbles. “Hold on,” he’s gasping now. His fingers are slick with blood and his head feels like it’s buzzing, what had they hit, or had they been hit? All’s he can remember is lights and Taeyong, Taeyong was upset and he was, they were... Taeyong was in the back. 

His pulse is racing again, heart palpitating against his chest as he pushes away from the other boy and begins trudging his way back through the snow. His lungs are burning and his skin feels as though it is being torn away from his flesh. 

To be honest, he doesn’t remember making it to the car, where the smoke is now practically suffocating him as it trails out of the front of the car in deep clouds of black. “Tae!” He finds himself screaming, his throat raw and the sensation causing him to choke on his own words. He’s in the back of the car now, desperately searching for a body that is not there and the feeling that hits his stomach is inexplicable. “Oh shit...” his seatbelt, “oh shit.” The windshield, there was so much blood, “oh god, oh god please.” He pushes away from the car all thoughts forgotten, only one thought is on his mind now. 

He tries to find his footing but falters and lands hard in the snow sending a shriek past his lips and into the night air. His vision blurs around the edges, dark spots threatening to encompass his consciousness. 

His attention falls back to Doyongs stirring form and watches as the other attempts to turn over in the snow but eventually, his brain catches up with his injuries and he falls backwards. 

Taeyong, he still needs to find Taeyong. His gaze searches their surroundings, desperately trying to locate his brother. The snow is falling harder now, and the wind is suffocating, there a distant sound looming through the air, one that’s loud and blaring like a fire truck.

The lighting surrounding him is dim from the street lights up above offering little lighting to search with, but out of the blessing by the heavens up above his eyes land on a small form lying across from them.

There’s a long trail of blood in the snow following the direction that the body was lying in. His breath hitches and his heart is pounding he barely registers his body moving before he is beside the smaller frame.

There’s so much fluid, his body is lying in a crumpled heap, head and face coated in red liquid. His frame is so still against the ground, eyes closed and lips slightly parted at the edge where the skin that meets is almost as pale as the snow beneath him.

He feels his mind go blank and something warm is trickling down his cheeks and it takes him a moment to realize that they are tears and that there are pained mourns sashaying past his mouth. His hands reach for his younger brother where his fingers rest between the crook of his neck, and there it is, weak but there’s the light thumping of his heart against his fingertips. 

He lets out a choked breath and looks down at his leg seeing that his left leg is bent in an odd angle and there's blood seeping out and soaking into his jean pants but just where the designers tear in the pants he can see that the bone that should still be tucked securely behind the layers of skin is now jetting out through flesh. 

The presence of the bone causes him to choke, and he could barely stand to stare, he finds himself scooping down to pull the other to him not quite sure what he means to do but he just wants to secure his brother in his grasp. 

“Help!” He finally calls out, hearing noises from up above as their surroundings ignite in colors. “Please!” He looks back to see the Doyoung is now on his side-eyes staring back at the two as Johnny feebly tries to gather the other into his arms. 

There are voices now steadily approaching and all the other can think is that they’re safe now, they’re going to save his brothers. He feels hands on his shoulders and someone is asking him questions, but he can barely register their voices. Someone is pulling Tae from his grasp and he feels a small whimper leave his lips at the loss of his brother. 

Johnnys gaze falls back to the youngest watching as paramedics surround his injured frame and he feels his anxiety waver, his chest feels lighter and he finds himself falling back into the person's embrace allowing them to pull him away from the other. However, his thoughts fall apart when he hears the medics' panicked voice, and his whole world comes caving back down on him. 

There’s no pulse.


	2. Waking up in hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my lovelies! I am back with a new chapter. Hopefully, you will enjoy this as much as I did when writing it. As always thank you for reading!

His mind is buzzing and everything that happens next is a complete blur. He just remembers the panic and the pain in his chest. It’s all too real, too much, and the pain he feels is inexplicable as he watches frantic hands pulling away at the other's coat, hands beating against their chest whilst others work to get them on to a stretcher.

People are talking around him, and to his left he hears someone asking him questions that he can’t seem to answer.

“Can you stand?”

“what’s your name?”

“Can you hear me?”

Johnny wants them to shut up so that he can focus on the other limp form, to focus on their leader. He can’t think, he can’t breathe, oh god. He’s suffocating, his face is warm again and his lips are quivering. His chest aches and he’s sure that his heart is going to come through his rib cage.

The boys vision blurs as he watches the paramedics maneuver Taeyong’s body onto a stretcher, where they’re taking him away. There’s so much noise it’s like anarchy around him until there’s nothing and his body loses mobility. Dark spots have completely consumed him, dragging him back into its unsolicited embrace.

-

To say Taeil was upset was an understatement, he was pretty close to having a literal break down in the middle of the hospital where he sat out in the waiting area holding a shaking Dong Hyuck as they stare at the double doors leading to the halls.

The eldest barely remember how they got here, he just recalls receiving the call from Yuta as he and the manager were discussing plans, and then they were rushing from the building and at the hospital before he could register what was happening.

The group had only been informed that Doyoung was stable and was being treated for a minor head injury and broken ribs, not to mention the other less impactful injuries that they were treating him for. And were later informed that Johnny was being treated and that he was going to pull through and was being treated for his injuries. However, they still had yet to hear about Taeyoung’s condition, the only thing they were told was that they were stabilizing him.

Taeil wondered if their parents had already been informed, or if they would be needing to reach out to them and that was the last thing he wanted to do at the moment.

The eldest of 127 hardly notices his leg tapping against the ground at an erratic pace, because their eyes were busy concentrating on the patterns in the tiles wondering how many feet have wondered them and how many had only walked in never to step foot outside again.

His chest feels tight with anxiety and it takes him a minute before he realizes that Jungwoo is talking to him. His Daesongs voice is soft and filled with concern as he addresses his hyung.

“Hyung, it’s going to be okay.” God, he was too kind, too innocent in these situations. Had he even known that their leaders, no Taeyoung’s heart had stopped and that he was possibly just barely holding onto life, or that the only information the group knew on Johnny and Doyoung was that they were stable?

He was going mad just waiting, it is truly nothing like in the movies or dramas, they never show the sweat that knits their brows or depicts the panic that runs through their veins raking up their spine as it eats away at them.

But instead of relaying these forthcoming thoughts he gives the other a smile before reaching out and squeezing their leg as a silent acknowledgment of their words.

It felt like hours before a man emerges from the double doors dressed in scrubs and calling out their brother's name. He feels his feet pulling him to him upwards and watches from the side as Jaehyun stands along with him.

He’s practically bounding across the floor with nervous energy until they are face to face with the other man and are soon joined by their manager.

“How is he?” Is all Taeil can manage as he watches the man’s gaze glance over his. He can tell that he has done this too many times and has been here for far too long because there was really no empathy in his gaze.

“He’s stable, for now.” He begins, reaching up to adjust the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose before continuing. “However,”

The words that come next hit like stone bashing against his skull and at this point he is barely keeping himself together long enough to speak with the doctor. Their managers seem just as shocked as he feels.

Jaehyun’s gaze had wandered back to the double doors and he pulls his thumb to his lips where he begins to chew on the bridge of his fingernail

The only words that the eldest bandmate could make out were ICU, severe concussion, trauma to the head, their heart had stopped due to the loss of blood which could result in brain damage depending on the amount of time that the body lacked oxygen, and his knee, his knee was damaged beyond a few weeks worth of healing.

His heart is racing at this point, how is he going to live with this, could he have prevented them from leaving earlier. Maybe he could have asked them to hang back and join the conversation. And yet, all of this doesn’t make sense to him.

“You see,” his words are coming back to the eldest now, finally forming into coherent sentences. “The damage from the compound fracture to the knee resulted in a patellar fracture which means that there was damage to the cartilage in the knee.” His voice has become considerably low and he can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to calm them down or feign sympathy.

“Meaning?” Jaehyun’s voice comes out harsher than he was intending but this man was seriously striking a nerve, did he even care at this point what happened to his hyung?

“Meaning that there was considerable damage done to the knee which could effect the mobility in the leg, though there is considerable treatment that could show promising results, the damage is permanent.” The doctor's gaze meets his and Jaehyun’s feels sick, his gut is tight and his heart is racing in his ears.

To be honest, from the sounds of it this man should have just told them that their friend's whole career was being flushed down a drain never to be seen again, but there was something in his words that actually sounded hopeful.

“The treatments...” Their manager begins but is cut off by Taeil.

“Thank you for the update. What about the others? When can we see them?” The interjection was to stop the unnecessary argument that he could feel brewing between the three, one that was not needed at a moment like this.

“Ah, yes.” Dr. Kim shuffles from foot to foot as he switches the charts to another one. “Your friend Seo Young Ho was treated for a concussion, there were a few lacerations and bruises to the rib cage and two fractures to the left of his ribs. You can see him if you’d like. But only two guests to a room.”

Taeil gives a slow bow before looking back to their manager waiting for him to give him permission to step into the corridors to assess their brother, and after a moment they receive a nod in return.

He’s ready to turn back to Jaehyun’s but the other is already turning away. The eldest knows that he is taking the news hard, probably thinking back on the things that the other may be robbed of, but to be honest, he’s just so relieved to hear that all of his brothers are still alive and breathing.

“What about Taeyoung’s? When can we see him?” Taeil turns back to ask.

“Soon, once everything is stable we’ll let you know.” The doctor gives a soft nod before turning to leave.

“Thank you.” He responds before turning back to the others that are all staring back at him expectantly, now comes the hard part.

-

There is nothing, just darkness and pounding and pain and hands grabbing at material. There are voices fading in and out and the smell of cleaners and latex gloves. Everything is so unclear and it takes him a moment to realize that the blinding lights that are now staring back at him and the loud beeping going off beside him belong to a monitor.

Johnny’s eyes stare up at the plain ceiling, head aching and there’s a dull ache throughout his whole body. He doesn’t know how long he lies there trying to comprehend the situation before he hears a soft voice that draws his attention to the left where Dong Hyuck’s wide eyes stare back at him.

“Hyung,” he practically chokes, pulling himself from the chair to grasp at the other's hand. “Oh thank god.” His voice is strained and tired as though he had been crying.

“What?...” is all Johnny can manage, the word itself feels like a labored hour of exercise.

“You were in an accident hyung.” He starts, eyes drifting to the door as though he was mentally hoping that someone would show and tell him the details. “The car passing lost control and forced you guys off the road. Hyung, I’m so happy you’re okay!” There are tears in his voice and he can barely contain the ones threatening to make their way down his youthful face.

Johnny gives the other a slow nod, his eyes are so heavy and he just wants to rest until the realization strikes him, there were people in the car with him.

“The others?” His gaze snaps to the youngest watching as he shifts uncomfortably.

“Doyoung Hyung had a few scratches and busted ribs and the doctor said that the head injury was only miner.” The Maknae’s voice trails off, his attention falling to his hands that shift nervously in his lap. “Tae-hyung is in ICU, I don’t know much, just that he’s stable and his knee.” The boy's lip quivers at these words, as though the thought of them brings him pain again. “The doctors said that it was a compound fracture to the knee that resulted in damage to the knee cap… and a head injury…”

The youngers words are staring to Trail off at this point, he doesn’t understand what the others still saying all he can think is that he had not been attentive, he could have prevented this.

“It wasn’t your fault Hyung.” The boy follows, knowing the thoughts that were ravaging the other's mind. “The other car went out in the ice, and you were struck, there was nothing that you could have done.”

Johnny can barely hear him, there’s only a ringing in his ear and a thumping hard against his chest. His mind wanders back to the incident where he had been kneeling beside his injured brother, the wound at this head was gushing rivers of red and his pulse, had it even been there, to begin with? Or was that the illusion in his head?

He should have scolded him, should have told him to put the seat belt back on, but he was so pissed at that moment. If he had not scolded him whilst driving if he had not poured fuel back into that fire, would it have ended differently? If he had just waited until they were stationed at home to address the concern, would they all there drinking and having a few laughs before heading to bed to rest from their arduous day ahead?

The drumming in his chest turns to a sharp pain and suddenly he can barely breathe, his vision is blurring around the edges and his heart is beating too harshly, pounding against his ribs, and god his chest is burning.

He hears the young voice at his side, voice frantic and they’re in the car again, flipping and sliding down dirt and snow, and he sees the blood, smells the iron, sees his brother's bodies, and oh god his leg. He’s taken everything from him.

There are other voices joining the youngsters, followed by a soft chill stretching up his left arm where the IV was taped to his skin, and then there’s nothing again, and he’s just falling back into the bed where his vision turns dark and the last thing he remembers is pulling his brother's bloody body to his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think in the comments, because comments give me life!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏


	3. What Next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I am back with the newest chapter, hope that you enjoy it.

Johnny wakes to the sound of machines and a dull ache in his side flourishing through his sides. He turns to find Mark curled up on the chair beside him, head resting against his knees that are pulled up against his chest, with a coat draped over his shoulders that continues to rise and fall slowly with every sleeping breath. 

He hears footsteps entering the room and turns his head to see Yuta with a cup of coffee in hand before their gazes meet and he watches as the younger's eyes soften and a smile play at his lips. 

“Hey.” Yuta greets walking up to stand at the opposite side of the bed. “How are you feeling today?” 

The question takes Johnny a moment to process before he finally responds with “Has Tae woken up yet?” 

“Not yet, the doctor said that he’s improving though.” It’s been three days since the accident and he knows that their Hyung is finally getting to leave today, which leaves him radiating with nervous energy. “I hear Doyoung’s getting out this week too.” He says, quickly switching the topic. “And as soon as the doctor gives you clearance we’ll have you out hopefully by this afternoon.” 

“I want to see Tae.” Is his quick response as he makes a move to sit up in the bed but stops when Mark slowly stirs in the chair and lets out a groan as his body wakes and the mistake of sleeping in such a way was catching up to his aching limbs. 

“Hyung,” he starts sitting forward and running a tired hand over his eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pass out.” He says slowly watching as Yuta shifts uncomfortably. 

“I want to see Taeyong.” He starts again, not leaving any room for argument with his members. 

Mark shares a glance with Yuta, knowing the same thoughts are probably ravaging their heads before looking back to Johnny and giving a slow nod as a response. He finds himself standing and informs them that he would take it up with the front desk and see what they could get arranged. 

It took an hour before they were out of that room and would have been sooner had the older member not argued about being stationed in a wheelchair which he ultimately lost. 

To be honest Johnny was just happy to finally able to get changed out of that damnable hospital gown (with the help of Yuta) and into a pair of sweat pants and a loose t-shirt. 

He doesn’t resonate or even remember entering the other room because all he sees is the pale form lying on the bed, their skin is bruised and there are several cuts and bandages covering his frail body. His hair is a mangled mess and there are many monitors surrounding him. 

Taeyong looks like death, dark circles around his eyes, skin pale, and lacking the weight that should be there. His cheekbones are more prevalent than usual making Johnny feel queasy at the reminisce of the argument that had taken place and he couldn’t help but think that this was his doing, he was driving the car, he had been the one responsible for this. 

Mark stops along side the bed and sets the chair into place, not like the way that their leader looked either, his skin was almost as light as the blankets, his hair still disheveled and face covered in various cuts. 

“Hyung,” the rapper starts, watching as his brother takes in the sight of their leader. 

Johnny can’t help but feel guilty, his chest aches with it, as though in a sick way his mind is yearning to feel something other than the physical pain that he’s in. Every bit of this situation is unsettling and he just wishes that he could turn back time and change what had happened. 

“Hyung,” Mark tries again watching the others eyes skim over Tae’s form until they were staring at their leg pondering just how bad the injury was beneath the bandages and sheets. 

“I just want to stay with him a while.” He whispers just loud enough for the young rapper to hear. Mark is near ready to argue with him but instead decides to allow Su to remain there until he’s ready to go. 

“Sure,” Mark responds before slowly leaving their side and walking back towards the door throwing one last glance at their elder whose eyes were brimming with unshed tears, they were so lost and deprived of their uplifting light, 

Soon enough the boy is wondering just how they were going to pull through this and mentally praying that they would pull out of this hell in one piece.

-  
(The following day)

Doyoung can’t express the excited yet daunting feeling that has clasped its greedy fingers around his chest. It had been four days since he had been in this godforsaken place and he was more than relieved to be leaving it. 

To be honest, everything from that night was still a blur to him, he could barely recall being pulled from the car or being taken to the hospital. He heard that Johnny had been forced to stay as well for observation but was released a day prior to him. 

He feels his stomach flip again as it had when Mark had told him that Tae had yet to awaken and that the doctors were discussing possible brain damage and immobility of the right leg due to the damage it had sustained. 

The words were like a punch to the gut, the underlying possibility of brain damage was probably due to the lack of oxygen to the brain and not to mention the concussion that he had sustained, but his leg, his leg would kill their hyung, he knows this, the group knows this.

He feels a hand placed gently on his shoulder and looks over to see Haechan standing at his side with his coat in hand. The youngest could tell what his hyung had been thinking, they had all been processing the same information for the past four days, and it only got worse when word of the accident spread through social media like a forest fire and now the accident was the talk of the century.

“Are you ready?” Haechan asks, eyes fixated on the door where two bodyguards stood waiting for them to take their leave. 

The other gives a nod in return, before running a shaking hand through his hair pushing the overgrown locks from his sight and taking the face mask that the younger had placed beside him before standing slowly with Haechan’s support at his side. 

His ribs still ached but he was thankful for the dosage of pain medications that made the pain that would have been radiating through his form at this point barely noticeable. The other helps him down into a wheelchair, careful not to touch his side or to rush him along fearing that he would hurt his hyung. 

“How’s Johnny?” He asks once secured in the chair, and watching as the other steps behind him and begins pushing him towards the entrance. 

“He was released yesterday, but since then he has been at Yong's bedside.” The youngsters voice is filled with lethargy from many restless nights that makes him sound older than he actually is. “Tae still hasn’t woken, but the doctors said that he’s improving so there’s a pro.” 

Haechan tries to give the other a reassuring smile before giving their shoulder a soft squeeze as the two guards fall into line behind him. 

“For right now, lets just focus on getting you to the car past these eager reporters.” His voice is teasing this time but also anxious and Doyoung finds himself holding his breath at the others words. 

To be honest, Doyoung would have argued with him about seeing Tae before his departure had he not been suffering from exhaustion, as this feeling keeps him grounded and the thought of seeing his brother in this state was only making his chest ache in discomfort.

“Yeah, maybe they’ll get the story right this time.” The words are more acerbic then intended but the younger just laughs at this knowing full well how the other feels towards the drama in the media.

-

The sound is what hits him first, there are whispering voices and the smell of sanitizers that greets his senses, not to mention the distant scent of coffee that comes to greet his waking mind. 

His body feels like it’s floating in the air as he continuously drifts in and out of consciousness. He can barely seem to grasp what’s taking place as he tries to place faces to the voices surrounding him but his head feels as though it is full of liquid. Taeyong begins to move his fingers against the soft fabric beneath him and gives it a slow pull but stops when he is met with a sharp pain that travels through his leg. His breath hitches and he releases a low moan when the pain registers only to subside into a dull ache. 

The voices suddenly draw nearer and there is a figure beside him with their gentle hand resting on his shoulder and it only takes him a moment to realize that the voice belongs to Jaehyun’s. The youngers voice is soft and well-spoken the words slithering from his tongue like honey. There is a question in it though and it takes him a moment to realize that he’s talking to him. 

“Hyung,” Jaehyun practically gasps, hands moving from his shoulder to grasp at his hand where his soft fingers intertwining with theirs. “Thank god,” 

Taeyoung can feel the warmth radiating from the other's skin, but he’s still confused as to why he’s stationed in a hospital bed, and he’s too tired to try and piece this mystery together, so instead, he tightens his fingers around the other's grip as a way to acknowledge their presence. 

He soon finds his gaze falling away from the youngers to stare at the figure seated in the chair, eyes fixated on the ground as though looking up was too much for him to bear. There are bruises and scrapes traveling up the length of his arms and there is a bandage across the left side of his forehead covering a wound that had been stitched. His hair is disheveled and his lips are dry and bare small cuts across them. 

His wide eyes comes back to meet Jaehyun’s and the confusion within his irises is enough of a question. 

“What?...” is all he’s able to manage, his throat is so dry and it makes his voice sound frail and inaudible. 

“You guys were in an accident. Everyone’s okay though Yong.” Jaehyun says this with such assurance, but something in his voice does not settle well with the blonde. “I need to get the doctor, okay?” With these last words, he is stepping away from the bed and making his way from the room to inform the medical staff leaving the two alone in the room. 

Youngho’s hands hang limply in his lap as though they are made of led and are weighing him down against the ground like a nail in wood. The leader wishes that he could be at his side, to ask him if he’s alright, but his body feels so weak and the thought of moving eludes him. 

“Hyung?...” Taeyong forces the word past his lips as he attempts to shift his body around on the stiff mattress, watching the others gaze as it meets theirs where he sees that his brown irises are withholding desolation. “Where...” his voice trails off, looking around as though they are within a new state of confusion. 

“We’re in the hospital Tae.” He responds, sitting back in the chair whilst staring back at them to see that their leader's attention begins to falter. 

“Why?” Tae’s eyes meet his hyungs and Johnny can see that his pupils are dilated and the soft look stares back at them for answers is void of attention. “We need to get..” 

Taeyong can’t piece anything together, he just hears his own voice faltering and suddenly he’s falling.

“Tae,” the other begins cautiously before slowly pushing himself forward watching as their leader twists his head to the side and his back arched up off of the bed. Without warning his whole body goes rigged with his hand moving up off the bed as his body begins convulsing against the covers. “Taeyoung!”

Johnny is off the chair before he can even think, all aches and pain forgotten as he reaches his brother's side hands clamping down on his shoulders as his body arches upwards. The leaders eyes are rolled backward exposing only the sclera and his mouth is moving almost erratically as the muscles contract in inaudible groans. 

Youngho calls out for help whilst his hands try to keep the others convulsing form against the bed, his chest is so tight with panic and before he can fully comprehend the situation he hears footsteps falling in step behind him and suddenly he’s being pulled away from his younger brother and forced through the entrance and out of the room as the doctors begin moving around the other's body calling out what Johnny made out to be a seizure before he’s made to wait in the hall alongside a panicked Jaehyun. 

“What the hell just happened?!” The youngers voice is filled with apprehension as he looks back to his older member. 

“I think he had a seizure.” Is the only words he can manage. His pulse is racing and his breaths are hitching in his throat. His chest burns where his injuries are now screaming from the exertion and he finds himself soon heading quickly down the halls towards the restroom. 

His mind is unclear, completely gone and the next thing he knows he’s standing over a toilet where vile and saliva are oozing past his lips and splashing noisily into the water beneath him. His chest feels tight, his ears are ringing again, and those damnable thoughts are taking possession of his mind.

He did this, this was his fault. Could he have prevented this? What had he done? Suddenly Johnny’s there again in the car, flipping, and flipping. There are so many noises like screaming and the feeling of a body pushing against his, blood, glass, and snow surrounding him. There is a ringing in his ears and his brother's cries of terror. "Watch out!" This time it is Doyoung’s fearful voice warning him. 

Suddenly there are hands wrapping securely around his waist and guiding him backward where he loses his footing and the two forms fall back into the wall. After a moment he feels his head being guided to rest against something firm and warm. There are fingers carding through his hair. His breathing is still erratic and he can barely think. All he feels is pain radiating through his limbs. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, it’s okay.” Jaehyun’s voice is in his ear, soft whispers mending the anxieties that are arching through his flesh like rapid waves against sands and forcing his skin to crawl with trepidation. It takes him a few moments before he becomes aware that they are sitting on the ground and to register the tears that are freely sliding down his face./p>

“I should have waited. God, I should have waited.” He’s sobbing now, he can’t believe this is happening. He was strong and a well put together Hyung, who was supposed to be okay in these situations but he can’t seem to escape this feeling of dread, and this thought that continues to possess him. This one godforsaken thought…

“I did this...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments give me life!


	4. For Better or For Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies. As always, thank you so much for reading! Chapter Five will be getting into the real stuff, but I hope you enjoy all that same!

Doyoung wakes in a cold sheen of sweat, his body shakes from beneath the sheets, eyes skimming the room quickly to put his mind at ease, it’s only been an evening back at home and he feels like this. The car ride home didn’t make it any better since they were getting hit with a second wave of snow and he swears he felt as though he could hardly breath. 

His hand comes up to run over his face, remembering briefly about the news regarding Yong’s seizure that they received upon their arrival back to the dorm. It had been a day since they were told that it was due to the concussion but the promising aspect was that he was coherent enough now to answer the doctors questions. 

His feet slide out from beneath the once comforting warmth of his blankets and sheets that are now bathed in his fluids and he slowly places his heels on the ground first. His body quivers against the cold and suddenly he remembers his body being carried from their car, the smell of smoke and blood wafting through the air. And the cold that struck his body when he was planted on the snow covered grounds. 

His breathing quickens, heart beating brashly against his aching chest and suddenly he can’t breath. He hears the crashing his own screams in his ears they’re falling again, the sound of metal clanging against rocks and trees. His knees are digging into the dashboard, he’s dying, he can’t see and can barely breath. 

“Doyoungie! Hey,” there is a voice at his side, hands grasping at his shoulder and he’s clutching at the material of his shirt desperately trying to gasp at the air that his greedy lungs can not get enough of. 

“Hyung,” he gasps through a harsh heave.”I can’t breath!” Their voice is frantic now, as they start gulping at the air. “I can’t breath!” 

“Hey, hey.” Taeil’s fingers are on his cheek, slowly guiding his face towards him. “I want you to breath with me, okay?” 

Doyoung can just barely nod, his chest is so tight and there is pain radiating through him in waves. After a moment he finds himself following the others breaths pacing his own through the soft cries that are now falling freely but succeeding nonetheless. 

Taeil’s thumb brushes softly through the tears that are streaming down his cheeks whilst focusing on the breaths that he’s guiding the other through. Doyoung feels his body relaxing, eyes focusing solely on the others lips as he follows their inhales, the tightness in his chest has turned to an astringent force against his broken ribs and he winces when he draws a deep shuddering breath. He feels his cheeks going red in embarrassment at the way he had just reacted, but knows full well that Taeil will not hold these actions against him. 

“There you go,” Taeil coos, hands moving to brush the strands of hair from his Dawsongs face. “That’s it, just keep breathing for Hyung.” His voice is soothing like drizzles of lavender making him feel safer than he did moments ago. “Are you in any pain?”

Doyoung gives a hesitant nod, untangling his fingers from the material of his shirt before saying a slow “yes” in response. 

Taeil reaches over top of him grabbing the bottle from the nightstand and younger comes to the realization that they are on the ground and begins raking his brain to remember how he got there. 

Doyoung feels a pill being placed into his palm and brings it slowly to his trembling lips where nasel fluids and saliva meet. There is a bottle of water that follows and material rubbing away the liquids from his face. 

His attention falls to the young rapper whose staring in through the entrance, eyes shifting between the two as though he is unsure of what to do. 

“Hey,” Moon starts following the others gaze. “Draw me a bath, please.” 

Mark nods in response before moving away from the door frame where his footsteps can be heard making their way down the hall. 

“Let me get you up, mmm’kay?” Moon follows up before standing and offering his hand to the other. 

“Mm’sorry Hyung” The boy begins. 

“Why, for being human?” Taeil says softly, before guiding him to the door and towards the bathroom.

His feet feel like jello as he slowly steps into the entrants where he sees Mark still standing over top of the tub shaking his hands through the water and building up the pillows of bubbles. “How’s Tae?” Doyoung finally asks as they are seated on top of the toilet lid and the other helps them shuck their shirt up and over their head. 

“From what I heard the seizure was just spurred on from the concussion and he’s doing alright.” Mark responds, looking back over his shoulder. “Let’s focus on you though.” 

The vocalist shakes his head, his body shakes involuntarily and before he can think he is leaning forward and heaving over the floor vomiting up bile and liquid on the tiled floor, his body retches with each new thrust and he’s trying to blink past the tears that are forming in his eyes due to the exertion. 

“Aish,” Mark says under his breath before turning his head quickly away from the scene as Taeil hurriedly slips a towel beneath his mouth. 

“This is going to be a long night...” he thinks to himself, rubbing comforting circles on the others back. “No, this is going to be a rough few weeks.”

—

Johnny can hear the commotion from across the hall, but the thought of moving from the bed to check on them brings him physical pain, he honestly just wants this all to go away, to hide from it and never to come back. He wants them to be around the dinner table sharing thoughts and eating until they are full. But that is what they called wishful thinking, or possibly avoidance. 

He knows it’s not okay, knows that it won’t be okay and dreads the moment that he has to come to reality and deal with this. But this guilt just won’t release its grip on his chest. And not even Doyoung is free from it. 

His head turns back to stare over at Haechan’s still form wrapped up in the layers of sheets and blankets, he swears he could sleep through a nuclear war at this point living with all of these boys in one dorm was probably exhausting.  
He finds himself sitting up in the bed, knowing that sleep would only elude him for the remainder of the evening and he would just continuously toss and turn listening to the sounds of wrenching from down the hall. 

He wants to force his body from its place but knows that seeing Doyoung that way would only worsen what he’s feeling, so instead he sits and listens until the coughs have stilled and the sounds of water running has gone quiet before lying back in the bed, eyes staring up at the crease of paint in the ceiling.

The night carries on like this and before he knows it the body across from his is sitting up, hands running lazily through his messy locks.  
“Morning.” He mumbles seeing that the elder is painfully awake and staring vacantly at nothing. “Hyung?” 

Finally they turn their head giving a soft “hmm?” before blinking a few times and sitting slowly up in the bed before reaching over to grab his phone off the night stand. “Morning” he responds soon following his dazed look.

He looks terrible from what the maknae can see, dark circles under his hazel eyes, skin pale and dry. There are still bruises and cuts that are healing across his face and arms that are visible in the bits of sun peking through the curtains. 

“Hyung,” Haechan begins before standing eyes still trained on his. “Perhaps you should just rest today.” Their voice is laced with sympathy and it makes the other feel pitiful and in a sense angry. He had done this, and this was his burden to carry and he was going to. 

“I’m okay.” He says too quickly before forcing his aching limbs from the bed. “I’m going to grab a shower first.” 

Haechan only nods in response trailing their hyung as they exit the room before looking back towards his unmade bed wondering just how long he had been awake or if he had even slept at all. 

He wanted him to realize that what happened had nothing to do with him, there was nothing you could do to change fate because fate was cruel and would take and give what it wants, but to Johnny, he had controlled fate that evening and he believed that this was something that he could have prevented. 

He lets out a long sigh before gathering up the bundle of clothes that he left at the bridge of his bed the night beforehand to avoid digging through the bundles of unfolded clothes in their closet and makes his way out the door preparing for the day ahead of them. 

—

There is soft jostling, lights surrounding him and a dull ache in his head. There are no voices around him this time only the sounds of sirens. His coat is gone and he’s freezing. Body quaking against the cold and he can barely make out the noises until there is metal smashing against the ground and the world as he knows it is spinning around him. 

“Youngie?” 

His eyes slither open, breaths heavy against the oxygen mask that was placed over his mouth and nose. His chest is rising and falling in uneven breaths and the blankets draping across his form are suddenly too heavy. 

He turns his attention to the figure standing beside him to look into Taeil’s worried gaze, but he’s okay. He’s alright, right?

His eyes scan the room until the memories come flooding back to him and he remembers where they are, and why. 

Taeyong’s hand reaches up to pull at the oxygen mask that he quickly removes from his face with the sound of Taeil’s condemning voice follows his actions. 

“Doyoungie?” He asks, not allowing the other to finish their objection. “Johnny, okay?” He’s still breathing heavily, his voice coming out in a horsey rasp from days without use. 

“Fine, they’re fine.” The older boy responds, helping the other to sit up since they were visibly struggling to do so. “They’re back at home. Do you remember where you are?” 

Taeyoung nods in response, before finally taking a good look at his hyung, taking notice of his visibly shaking fingers as they are placed on either of his shoulders and the dark circles beneath the vocalists chestnut gaze. 

“I’m okay, m’kay.” He says lazily, shifting slowly in the bed but squinting when pain courses through his body. He jars his leg upwards in an attempt for his body to crawl in on itself but stops when there is pulses of pain ravaging through his knee and his vision goes dark leisurely clears and he can see that his right leg bandaged from the knee and down to the ankle. 

“Shit…” he gasps, reaching down to clutch at the material. “How?…” 

The other visibly gulps beside him, he wants to say that it is just broken, that it will heal, that he will be up and performing in six weeks. But those words are false and they feel like poison to his lips, so instead he settles for saying that it was injured during the accident and ensures to include the part where he is lucky to be amongst the living, they are all lucky to be alive if he was being honest.

“Do you remember anything?” He asks slowly, fingers drawing circles on his back waiting tentatively for their response. 

“No, not much. I think…” The leaders voice trails off watching as they took a step away from them. “How long?” He starts, looking back down at his leg hoping that the other would put that information together. “And what about the performance?” 

‘Of course,’ Taeil thinks, before letting out a long sigh. “They postponed the comeback all together until further notice, so there is no need to worry as of right now.” The other nods but squints at the jarring pain movement causes. “Let me ask for the doctor, we may be able to get you some meds.” 

Taeil stands more urgently not allowing Taeyong to object, wanting to avoid the question, but he catches the anxiety that crosses through the blondes physiognomy and his gaze falters, he can’t be the one to tell him, not when there are no promises of having mobility again. 

The thought made him sick, he knew that their leader prided himself on being able to dance, to move like water and wind across the stage dancing along to the rhythm of the music, and had even found a way to ease his apprehension through this activity and used it as a respite. 

However, Taeyong knows that there is something more, but he doesn’t push the other, and instead he focuses on the bandages around his leg remembering briefly the pain that had encased it, had he even been in the car? All he can remember is pain and screaming, cries of terror that spread through the car as it crashed into gravel and snow. 

His head snaps up at the sound of his name being spoken by an unfamiliar voice and watches as a doctor walks in with his hyung trailing behind him. The doctor is speaking softly to him, but he can’t help but wonder how long he had zoned out rather than paying attention to what the other is saying. 

“How long before I can perform.” He says bluntly, not meaning to cut the doctor short of his words as he had somehow made it to his bedside and was assessing the bandages on his arm.  
“You see, it's a little complex.” Dr. Kim, he thinks that’s what he said, begins. He takes a step back and stares at him. “During the accident you sustained a severe injury to the knee resulting in a compound fracture that caused damages to the muscles, and a fracture to the knee cap.”

“Meaning?” Taeyong asks, dreading the answer that he might receive. To be honest, his body just aches at this point, and there is a dull feeling in his head now spreading through his body and making him feel numb. 

“Meaning that the damage to your leg is permanent.” He says, his voice conveying pity for him.

Taeyong swallows the vile rising in his throat, and the words he says next are quiet this time. “What does this mean?” 

The doctor shift uncomfortably, and he can see Taeil doing the same as they both let the silence settle. 

“That means that the knee has sustained a trauma and it has damaged the range of movement in the knee and functional impairment.” The doctor meets his gaze after a moment, allowing them to process the information before continuing. “Now, there are surgeries that could potentially help the progression of movement in the knee but the damages sustained is irreversible and only time will tell, but…” The doctor is cut off when the young man raises his hand stopping him from continuing. 

Taeil nearly melts at the pain in the others face, his body is rigid and he looks as though someone had killed his loved ones. He wants to pull him into his arms, to tell him they will pull through this and continue to work through this situation together but he can’t bring himself to move. 

“Please, if you are finished here, give me a minute.” Yong’s voice is cracking and he is just hanging on the bridge of breaking down, his walls falling around him as his shoulders quake and Kim just gives a slow nod before taking a step to the side. 

Taeil stands at the door, wanting desperately to speak but knowing that he would be struck down by the other, he needed time to process the information, needed to let it settle in his mind. 

“Hey,” He starts, his steps slow but stops when the other raises his hand again, his movement is slower than normal and his hands are shaking profusely, but his head is drooping down, chin resting against his chest.

“Please just give me a minute hyung.” His voice is dripping with solemn eras and it takes everything in him to comply to the others wishes.  
“I will be in the hall if you need me,” He says before stepping outside the room leaving the other and his heart breaks at the sobs he hears leaving the rapper as he shuts the door behind him.

Taeil’s chest aches at the sound of it, and he hates that he just stands out here helplessly staring off as their leader breaks apart in the room with no one there to hold them or to offer them guidance. 

They were all falling through his grasp, falling to pieces and all Taeil could do was pray that they would pull through this before it was too late and there was nothing left to save.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos feed my inspiration!


	5. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry, I have been dead the past few weeks because of school and working full time. But I am back with a new chapter. I hope that you enjoy, and hopefully, I can keep up with frequent updates! Also, heads up! I did not edit this chapter but will be editing it throughout the week!

It was back to what Jungwoo would describe as somewhat of a normal week as things seemed to be getting back to normal, and Taeyong was finally being released from the hospital. It had been two and a half weeks since the accident and it had felt like everyone was walking on eggshells. 

Thankfully the news had stopped their constant banters and predictions on what had taken place that evening; it truly didn’t help that the individuals who were involved in the accident had decided to go live with the news to give their statement on what happened making their feeds ignite again with activity and shared concerns for their members. 

However, their managers were on top of the news and quickly released a statement letting the public know that their members were recovering and that they would keep them posted on updates regarding the member's health; this, in turn, seemed to assuage the media to halt their comments and take a breath of fresh air.

Jungwoo runs a hand through a sleeping Doyoung’s hair, speaking softly to the youngster to wake him from his deep slumber. 

“Doyoung-ie.” He whispers into the other's ear watching as his eyes slowly peel open to blink owlishly at his hyung. “Hey, it’s time to get up, manager-nim is stopping by with an updated schedule.” 

Doyoung gives a curt nod before turning back over in bed and mumbling something about getting up in another few minutes, which they know will not happen but they don’t push them any further and allow them to fall back into the comfort of their quilt. 

He steps out of the room shutting the door slowly behind him and makes his way out to the kitchen to grab his coffee from the counter. He’s nervous but excited to have their leader back at the dorm, it feels as though it has been forever since he’s seen his face, but the thought of what had taken place and the apprehensive era about the others is just clutching on to his anxiety and fueling that dread that had consumed them when the news regarding Yong’s injury had gotten out to the public making this harder for them all as the comments from netizens were both enlightening and sickening to say the least. 

The group had honestly decided to stray away from the negativity that was being stated about there being no hope for the lead dancer and that their career was gone since their only talent was dance, disregarding the fact that he was the glue that held them together and was also one of the lead rappers and producers of some of their music. The whole internet was just full of garbage at this point, and he really thinks that ensuring their leader had no access to his phone during his stay at the hospital was the best choice Taeil and the others had made. 

Though it was only a momentary relief because they knew how he worked and obsessed over imperfections and relied on others opinions, so these comments would hurt him more than these individuals probably knew.

The singer lets out a long sigh before bringing the cup to his lips and sipping at the bitterness of their coffee. They hated this, wished more than anything that he had held all of them back after the awkward conversation amongst their hyungs, but instead he thought to stay out of it and allowed them all to part. 

“Hey.” A dry voice greets him, pulling him quickly from his thoughts to turn and stare at Mark and his unkempt hair but the young rappers eyes looked longingly at the coffee pot in front of him. 

“Good morning.” He responds watching as the other pours sugar into an empty cup barely paying attention to the amount of sugar that they are pouring in. “How was your sleep?”

“Shit, much like everyone’s.” Mark says bluntly before giving a soft chuckle and turning back to his hyung. “What about you?” 

“Do I have to answer?” 

“No, I think I know. How’s Johnny doing? Has he talked to you at all?” He asks whilst pouring the black liquid into the cup before walking towards the fridge to get the milk. 

“No, he’s hardly said much which is unusual all on its own.” Jungwoo sighs and takes a glance behind himself before following up with “I think he is just processing everything. Thankfully Yong-hyung is coming back today, it’s been weird around here.” 

“You don’t say?” Yuta pipes in walking past Jungwoo. “Pour me a cup Mark-ie.”

Mark shoots a quick look his way ready to hand him off the cup that he had made but remembers begrudgingly that he had put a heavy amount of sugar in his which would not settle well with the other. 

“When can we anticipate that T-Yong will be back?” Yuta asks before taking the cup from Mark. 

“As soon as Taeil texts me back from the hospital. They’re getting his release forms or something like that.” Jungwoo starts before setting the empty cup on the counter and glancing down at his phone that is ringing with messages from their company and his members. 

The anticipation of their brothers return home is invigorating, but the tension amongst the members is nearly suffocating. They want things to return back to normal quickly, overnight even, but they know that is not going to be the case here. And the texts being shared amongst their managers only heightens this feeling as they read through the plans to adjust their schedules accordingly, all of which do not include their leader. 

This type of thing just makes Jungwoo feel sick and the acidity of the coffee left a bitter taste to linger on his tongue. Their company was just planning to exclude him from the entirety of their comeback whilst he sought out treatment for his knee, but it wasn’t the fact that they had planned this out accordingly that was making this disheartening. No, it was the fact that they knew this would practically destroy Tae in a way that none of them wanted to see. 

Jungwoo feels a hand glide across his shoulder causing him to jump from the sudden contact only to see Dong-hyuck’s solemn gaze staring back at him before reaching out and snatching the phone from his hands and pocketing it away. 

“Let’s have breakfast. I may not be the best cook, but we can give it a whirl!” Haechan suggests and Jungwoo feel his shoulders droop and a smile pulls at his lips with the thought of their youngest cooking and possibly burning the dorm down in his attempt. 

“We’re going to die from food poisoning,” Mark whines under his breath and is met with a hand towel being thrown off his face. This only sends him into a spiral of laughter as he watches their maknae place both hands on his hips and steadies their gaze. 

“At least I can cook without burning the food.” 

“Wanna bet?” Comes the quick response, and Jungwoo and Yuta find themselves sharing the same concerned glance for what is about to take place. 

But this, this felt normal and he wished they could live in it forever. 

-

Taeyong is more than relieved to be leaving the smell of sanitizers behind to swap out for the fresh smell of un-sanitized air that would fill his senses. He also just wanted to feel the comfort of his own bed and escape the constant stares of apprehension that he had received since the news of his leg was relayed to him. 

The thought was still foreboding even to him but he would go through the treatments and try to better himself wanting nothing more than to work through this inconvenience to get back on the route with their schedule. 

However, even he knew that he was jumping too far ahead and that there may be no promises of a permanent solution but he couldn’t let his pain show through because they were all still going through a harsh time and he needed to help them pull through this. 

He finally looks up as they grow nearer to the exit out of this godforsaken place. He feels the wheels of the chair gliding across the clear tiles growing closer and closer nearing the bright light of morning. Taeil’s voice is at his side and watches as security steps out in front of them guiding the way out. 

He feel anxiety take hold of his abdomen and his muscles contract at the many figures standing around. How had they heard? And was it even okay for them to be surrounding the entrance like this?

The rapper feels a breath leave him and he relaxes his body before reaching a hand up and pulling the hood of his oversized hoodie over his head and forces as far down over his face as he can manage. 

To be honest, if he could disappear he would, he didn’t want this attention, didn’t need to add to the piles of sympathy, he just needed a moment of peace. 

“Are you okay?” Taeil asks, and Tae becomes painfully aware that they had come to a full stop in front of the entrance whilst their security-cleared away most of the lingering figures. 

“Yeah, let's just get this over with.” He whispers under his breath, watching as they proceed forward and his eyes search the crowd watching as the lights flash from every direction. Voices overlapping one another and asking questions upon question but he just keeps his head low, eyes trained on the ground, and barely notices that his hand has fallen to his injured knee giving a bit of a squeeze and falling into the pain that was encasing it. 

He barely remembers shifting from his chair and back into his car. His eyes are still trained on his knee never once raising his gaze he didn’t want them to see him like this. Pale and scathed, his skin had yet to gain its color back and his body felt worse now than it did prior to the accident. 

His skin still stuck to his bones and he looked worse now, refusing to eat the gross meals that were provided and allowing his body to suffer from this vicious mind process. He hated this, hated everything about the situation, but fate had just dealt a bad deck of cards for their group and he wasn’t going to let it drag them down.  
The lead vocalist situates themselves beside him, and the pain in his knee abates as the elder intertwined their fingers with his guiding his hand away from his leg to rest with his in his lap where he begins rubbing his thumb over his knuckles in gentle circles. He finally raises his head after he knows that they have driven far enough away from the public’s eye. 

Yong lets out a long breath that he barely knew he was holding before focusing his attention on the other gentle strokes to soothe his impending anxiety. His mind is filled with vicious thoughts but he is quick to shove them to the side. 

His eyes roam the roads feeling the car picking up speed, the silence was louder than it was meant to be and normally he would soak in this peace but not today. 

“Have they managed to burn the kitchen down yet?” They meet the warm look of the others and he feels successful in easing the tension when a smile forms on the elders face. 

“No, but if I have to eat anymore pasta and plain rice one more night, I may freak.” They both share a soft chuckle and it feels good, feels natural. 

Suddenly the car comes to a jarring halt and they hear the sound of a blaring horn and curses coming from the driver as he just barely avoids a collision with a sports car jarring in and out of traffic. 

That’s when the moment falls apart, his chest is heavy, tight and he can barely breathe. Taeyong’s fingers tighten in the others embrace and his breaths are quick and heavy. His brows are furrowed and he can feel bile running up his esophagus. Taeil feels the other's nails digging into his flesh and just barely hears him utter for them to pull over. 

The words leave his mouth before he can register what is happening and Taeil shares a look with the driver before they are pulled over on the side and the singer barely makes it out of the car to assist before the other is out of his seat losing his balance and hitting the ground first before losing the contents of his stomach on the pavement. 

His body is heaving and the only contents that are coming up is bile and clear liquids. Their left hand is wrapped securely around his abdomen and their other hand is resting against the pavement where they were laying on their uninjured leg. 

Taeil leans down beside him, rubbing soothing circles on his back, but all Tae registers is a numb feeling running through his body in waves, he can’t stop the heaves though there is nothing else in his stomach to get rid of.

Pain is pulling at his ribs going through his sides and his body is quivering against the ground. His hand goes out from under him and then there is a hand beneath his chest holding his body up whilst the other hand pushes through his hair holding the bleached strands from his face. 

“Breath, that’s it.” The words are just against his ear, his body is shaking so bad and he can barely think, just sees light and glass and his head is pounding. He is cold all over, shaking beneath the layers of clothes that are not warm enough anymore. 

“I’m okay,” He manages to gasp, but he’s not. His body won’t work, his leg is useless and is radiating with discomfort. He is anything but okay. “I’m okay.” 

His hand comes up to wipe at his mouth, he feels worse than he did when they were in the hospital, the events were almost like the world mocking him just once more to show him who controlled his fate. He hears the driver stepping up beside them and begins asking if they are ready to leave. But his only response is a shake of the head. 

Taeyong doesn’t want to feel the rhythm of the car, doesn’t want to feel his body take flight again. He just doesn’t want to feel at this point. To be completely honest with himself, he should have worn his seatbelt, that would have helped him it the long run and may have had him out of that place sooner. 

He was adamant, and ignorant at that moment, the fact that he was alive was a miracle the doctors had said. But where was the miracle exactly? The leader was told that his career was being swept out from under his feet, that he had sustained a severe head injury which resulted in these concurrent migraines, the only upside was that Johnny and Doyoung had survived and only sustained a few injuries that they were still battling with. 

After a moment more Tae feels his body being hoisted gently from the ground only to see the look of sadness in his brother's eyes and he feels sick again, wanting to just disappear from the world. 

“I’m okay,” he gets out more evenly this time, his voice still quivering with anxiety but sounding more put together. 

Taeil only nods his head, knowing that the other is only saying this to comfort him not realizing g that it was okay to not be okay and to need to lean on his family for comfort that is why they are here. 

He feels the pain dip in his leg when he applies pressure and nearly sends them both back to the ground. A quiet cry leaves his lips and he feels the others weight shift to reposition him on his arm. 

“Hey, hey.” Taeil starts, before guiding his hand around his back and placing it against his side. “Lean on me now.” 

He feels his weight lean into his hyung’s arms as they take slow steps back towards the car before he gets him back into the passengers side and helps to pull the belt across his chest. 

“Are you okay?” He asks sitting on the other end and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, yeah.” His breaths are still shaky and there are tear stains down his ashen cheeks from the exertion of vomiting. He hates that he can only shush and rub at his shoulders unable to do much else to ease his anxiety. 

“Do you want us to get going again because we can wait if you need to?” The other only nods in response leaning their head back on the headrest closing his eyes tightly. He had thought that he didn’t remember a thing but every moment of the accident is coming back to him in vicious waves. 

He wants to get out and to walk home but the fact that it was so far away and his physical incapabilities that were hindering this option. Frustration clouds his thoughts and he finds himself wishing to just fall into the unhelpful arms go rest until they are home.

“Let’s get back.” He says slowly, hating the way his lips quiver with the sentence and the harsh note from the exertion brought on from the vomiting. 

The ride home is quiet since there is not much to be said other than the failed attempts to start small talks amongst them, and the leader wants nothing more than to run from this feeling and to make it to his bed that was beckoning his tired thoughts to its warmth. 

He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes to see that they have pulled into the driveway. He doesn’t want to handle what is coming next, doesn’t want to be treated like he’s broken.

He feels the engine die away leaving the car still until the elder's body shifts and he makes his way out of the car and comes around the other end to meet him. 

He hands him his crutches and helps him to maneuver his way out of the car with their hands placed on either one of their hands placed on his sides to keep him stable with the occasional redundant question of “are you okay?” 

He stares back at their dorm in anticipation and he doesn’t know why he feels heavy with anxiety but it hits him like a wave spreading through his chest and burning in his throat. 

‘It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” 

One step, two steps, three steps, four steps, and his mind is void of thoughts, he makes out Dong-Hyuck’s voice chirping in his ear as they come running to greet them with Mark at their side who was more than likely dragged to the door by the anticipating maknae. 

His vision is blurry and he just wants to sit but he gives the other a warm smile and a kind greeting as the stop just inches in front of them before moving to his side to help him to the door. 

“Finally someone who can cook!” Hyuck says with excitement and a loud chuckle that makes the others smile broaden. 

“It wasn’t that bad, right?” Taeyong asks before throwing a glance at Mark who responds with a look that answers his question. “Sorry, I seriously need to teach you all how to cook a proper meal, where was Jaehyun?” 

Hyuck responds with a soft shrug beneath his shoulder butter shift and tightness of their shoulders insists that it is something else. 

“What does the schedules look like for the next month?” Tae starts to switch the subject. 

“It is busy as hell.” The younger says laughing at himself before his lips curve upward. “But we at least a have something to do because it was getting loud around here.” 

The rest of their conversation is just droning noise and as they try to make small talk but he just wants to sit to relieve this pressure in his head. He hears their manager's voice in the other room talking with the others and he feels the nausea rise in his throat flooding him with dread. 

All eyes fall to them and he just wants to melt into a puddle to completely disappear but instead, he keeps his head high and gives off the era of confidence in which they were needing. His eyes fall to Doyoung’s form that is squeezed into a ball sitting opposite of Yuta and Jungwoo whose gazes meet their leaders almost instantly. 

“Hyung.” They say simultaneously before standing to greet them.  
His attention falls to his Suh’s form that sits rigidly on the other side of the couch he won’t look up, won’t meet his eyes and this makes him feel all the worse. The idea that he could have just avoided this and they not argued prior to leaving, had he not been so stupid to draw attention to himself. 

To be honest, he hadn’t even thought about it, it just came naturally after eating. Nausea would encase him with the antipathy of the weight in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t hold it in, needed to clear it from his body, needed to know that he could do this at any given moment to rid his body of this feeling. 

There are voices at his side now and he pulls a quick smile and nods not knowing really what Jungwoo had said since he only caught the bitter end of it. Haechan is still at his side, laughing gingerly at a comment Doyoung makes before the corner of his lips raised to show his mischievous smirk at the comment he had made.

“Oi, I didn’t see you trying to cook!” Mark says in annoyance at the other's comment before shooting a glare at the other. “I swear, they don’t just love you for your cooking hyung.” 

“Somehow, I don’t believe that,” Taeyong responds with a tilt of the head to indicate that the statement was teasing. “I am just happy to be back so that we can get things started again, and get back to the normal scheduling. But, before that. I think I am going to get some sleep, and everyone should do the same, I saw your schedules and most of them are booked.” 

The room falls into an unfamiliar silence and he can’t help but feel the clutching against his stomach, everything just feels off, and he wants it to be okay. For them to carry on like normal, but even with the simple mention of schedules lead to formidable silence. 

“Don’t everyone speak at once?” Jaehyun says as he walks into the room with a bottle of water in his hand. “Hyung’s right, we have a busy week ahead of us and I think that manager-nim has summed everything up. So, let’s prepare for tomorrow.”

With this, the movements of bodies follow and he watches as most of his members stand and begin clearing the room, passing by with a bid of farewell as they head to their rooms to prepare for the arduous weeks ahead. 

Jaehtun’s hand rests gently on the leader's shoulder, calm eyes meeting his tired ones. “Welcome home.” He whispers, before giving a light squeeze. “I’ll take it from here in getting him to his room.” Jaehyun does this with ease, his presence lifting the solemn mood from the room as he guides his hand beneath the blonde's shoulders and begins directing him towards his room.

They don’t speak, there is really nothing to say and all Taeyong wants to do is rest and to alleviate this anxiety that he’s feeling. He feels his body rest against the comfort of his own bed and tries to recall how they made it back here.

With this, he feels the rigidness leave his body and realizes that he aches all over, his shoulders to his legs and there is still a dull ache in the back of his head that is pulling his attention away from what the younger is trying to ask. 

“Hmm?...” He starts, wide eyes searching the bed before landing on his member that is pulling a set of clothes from his drawers and walking over to him. 

“Let me help you change.” He repeats, placing the clothes beside him before putting his hands out expectantly.  
“No, it’s fine. I can dress.” Yong argues, moving his hand up to dismiss him but squinting at the jolt of pain that runs through him. 

“Doyoung-hyung said the same thing before he was bent over from the pain, now stay still.” And before he can object again the vocalist has his hands on the hem of his shirt and is pulling it over his head. 

Taeyong hisses from the pain that courses up his sides and he feels as though his head will explode while dark circles dance around his vision. But he blinks quickly to clear his vision before wrapping his hands slowly around his body. 

He feels his ribs with the tips of his fingers with the skin-hugging the bones in an unhealthy way. He hates the cold that brushes against the exposed skin, and the way that their stomach aches and clutches with disgust. He should be focused on bettering himself, on getting healthy and healing his knee but his mind is too boggled by this constant hindrance. 

He wants to tear through his skin to feel some sort of relief from this heaviness that weighs down on his chest. He sees the look of concern that passes his Hyung’s face and can not bring himself to look his way. 

To say that Taeil wasn’t worried was a lie. That was his worst trait, at least he thought that it was since he constantly worried for his members and their health. He tries not to stare, tries not to draw the attention away from the matter that their managers were more concerned with, that being his leader's leg. 

He slips a long-sleeved shirt over his head and helps him to maneuver his arms into the material before moving to help him stand and switched him into a pair of sweat pants for comfort. 

“There you are.” He says once finished helping the other down onto the mattress. “Rest well, you’ll need it.” He says softly before helping to pull the blankets up over his shoulders. 

Taeyong gives a slow nod, his eyes heavy with sleep and he feels himself longing for rest. Wants to escape this night and rest for a while to escape this feeling. 

They were going to pull through this, he would be back up and dancing, he would force this upon himself no matter what. There was no way that he wouldn’t, right? This was only a minor set back, they would put this behind them and be back up and performing. That is what they always did. 

He feels his hand linger just above his knee, pain still palpitated through it in pulsing waves and he wanted to tear open his skin. He hates the way that his body feels, hates this feeling of trepidation encasing his body. He tries to take slow breaths to ease his growing anxiety, but only one thought lingers, what if he can’t perform again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos give me life!


	6. Make me whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, first off. Thank you all so much for the love and support you have given this story! I have been going through a rough time, as has everyone with the way that 2020 is going, but through all of your guy's amazing support and feedback, I feel so ebullient!!! Thank you again!

Taeyong wakes to the noise of his alarm clock, with its obnoxious conundrum that pounds through his already aching head. He peels his eyes open to stare at the light shimmering through the window but his body is too heavy to move. The young leader sighs against the pillow wondering what the point of waking was at this point since it had been over two weeks since he had returned home where they were still having to go back and forth from hospital visit to hospital visit only to be told the same thing.

He closes his eyes against the light and quickly chucks the blanket back over his head to escape the noises of shuffling feet through the hall praying silently that they would pass his room without entering so that he could hide for a moment under the covers. 

The last visit had been rough. To be honest, he wanted to cry out of frustration aside from the constant pain that his leg was in, but every time seemed hopeless. The same information after the next, they would need to wait, there was no guarantee of a full recovery. God, he wanted to scream.

He lets out a long sigh before tossing the blanket aside and rolling over on his back so he could stare up at the ceiling. He’s exhausted, they all are. He lets out a slow breath before throwing his legs over the bed hissing as a jolt of pain slithers through his left knee reminding him that he is still healing. 

He clutches onto the crutches that sit beside his bed before hoisting himself up, he cannot lay in bed forever, or else they will be there rapping on his door and asking him to wake. He had been sticking just to their regular schedules, excluding any physical activities that would cause him to exert his body or further injure his knee. Therefore, only leaving him to sit in the studio to work on songs or the recording studio to record their music and give advice on what they should be changing. 

At the thought of this, he recalls his Hyung and remembers that he has barely uttered more than two words to him since he has been back. This thought makes his skin crawl. Had he still been mad at him because of their argument? Or had it been something else? 

He reaches out and gives the door a swift pull before heading out into the hall where some of the members were making their way around each other, many heading towards the kitchen whilst others headed for their morning showers. 

“Good morning.” Their maknae chirps greet him, his hair sticking up in every angle in an indication of either a rough night's sleep or too good of one. 

“Morning.” He responds with what he hopes sounds akin to the same ebulliency that the younger had just shown him. 

A smile pulls at the leader's lips, it’s forced but he would rather them think better of him, rather than viewing him as a broken leader. 

They head out to the kitchen where Jaehyun stands amidst the coffee machine stirring sweetener into his coffee before glancing over his shoulder to see the two.

“Well, I see one of you slept well?” Jaehyun jokes before gesturing towards the two with his steaming cup of Joe. “Coffee?” 

Both boys respond with an instant yes before taking a seat on the barstools at the kitchen counter and eye the coffee as the vocalist pours it into a cup. 

“How was your appointment yesterday? By the time we made it back you were already unconscious.” Jaehyun asks as they pour the warm liquid into a mug with such grace that it takes him a moment to collect his thoughts and to remember to respond. 

“It was fine.” He responds, before leaning the crutches against the counter and looking back towards the hall. “How’s Doyoung-ie? I heard he was having a bit of trouble.”

Jaehyun turns his back to them as he continues to pour the contents into a cup. They all had been going through the whoas of what had happened but with their leader constantly switching the subject was driving him mad. 

“He’s okay now,” Jaehyun responds slowly, not wanting to jump off of the topic too easily. “He has been feeling anxious about riding in the front though, I think it is because of the accident. But, what did the doctor say about surgery?”

Tae resists the urge to roll his eyes at the younger knowing that he would deflect every question he had until he received an answer to his question. 

“He said we would follow up.” He says quickly, watching as they slide their coffee over to him where steam billows from the top of the mug. He wraps his fingers around the cup, the warmth feeling welcomed against his cold flesh. “But it looks rather promising. Is it the dance studio today?” 

Dong-hyuck only looks to his hung for a response, hearing the slight hurt in the fading blondes' voice and hating the defeat that he feels at the thought of it. The dance studio doesn’t even feel the same without the presence of the other, it feels empty and the air feels heavy against his chest as they try to lose themselves in the rhythm. 

The youngest rapper didn’t even seem to be with it and would disappear to go and find Yong hanging out at the studio losing himself in his work to feel that ever-growing void in his chest. 

“We are,” The maknae forces the words past his lips like its poison, and watches as the others brown eyes stare back into his and observes the sleigh raise of his lips as he pulls his lips into a grin that never meets his eyes leaving behind an empty smile. 

“I think I’ll tag along to make sure that you guys aren’t slacking.” He says this with a slow laugh and the youngest can’t help but mimic the laughter with a gentle chuckle that turns into something real in the pit of his stomach and it takes him a moment to realize that it is something that is longing and pitiful, that its guilt.

His laughter is cut short when he sees their manager entering the kitchen, eyes tired, and body looking heavy with age and lack of sleep. 

“Enough chatter and get yourselves together, we have schedules to stick to.” Hwang says with a yawn watching as the youngest stands and gives a mock salute before winking at his hyung before disappearing from their site.

It had only taken about ten minutes before they were all crowding the kitchen chatter drifting all around them but Johnny remained quiet, hands tucked deep into his pockets and eyes staring nimbly at the wall ahead. Taeyong tries to let his attention drift but somehow it continues to venture to his hyung’s drooping shoulders under his oversized hoodie.

He looks pale, with dark circles paving their way under his eyes as they grow in length with every sleepless night. He had been so distant lately, keeping to himself and avoiding the others like the plague. 

Tae is pulled from his thoughts when Doyoung stops at his side with a set of clothes in his hands and gestures at the other. “You can not go in your bedclothes, hmmm.” The younger says this with a mischievous smile playing at his lips before reaching over top of the other and grabbing at his crutches. “Let’s get you changed in the bathroom.” 

They respond with a nod as he follows the movements of the other and allows him to help him from his seat. He finds himself self-consciously biting down on his lip as pain sears through his knees and he feels that lingering feeling again, it always leaves him feeling numb and tired wondering what the point in continuing on like this was. 

However, with these impeding thoughts, he finds himself pulling away from those thoughts. ‘Just breath’ he thinks ‘don’t think’. 

Doyoung notices the shift in the weight of the other knows the thoughts that are roaming through his head and notices the drastic loss in weight at the feeling of pultruding ribs against his fingertips and the way his cheekbones are more pronounced and arms as frail as sticks. Was he even living at this point?

The younger gets him to the bathroom and stops at the door allowing them to go in alone and waiting impatiently at the door. 

Yong waste no time in shedding off his shirt and tossing it into the clothes bin making sure not to turn his body enough to see it in the mirror, he slides his bed pants down his legs and tries to turn away from his knee but his eyes fall on the swelling surrounding his knee, the bruising was barely visible at this point, but the swelling was a constant hindrance. 

He reaches down to push at the skin and inhales sharply when pain slithers up his leg but he doesn’t stop there and pushes a little more force against the injury, frustration was blinding him he wants to scream to pound his fist against his knee to punish it for being a part of his body that was damaged due to his own ignorance. 

He hears a gentle knocking on the door pulling him back to his senses, and he finds himself mumbling a soft response to the other before leaning back against the counter and reaching over to grab his pants before hesitantly putting one foot is followed by the other. When they come up his eyes catch the reflection in the mirror and the way his eyes shimmer in the light makes him sick. They aren’t his, they are tired and void of the life that they once held, they are not his, they can’t be. There is no triumph or resilience, just, eyes.

He lets out a long sigh and drags in a short breath, needs to work, needs to do better. He quickly shucks on the oversized white t-shirt and then the rolled-up jacket before stepping pushing himself towards the door. 

“Let's go,” he says before taking the crutches from him and making their way down the hall. He makes it to the car and ignores the hesitant looks that are thrown his way, he just needs to be in the studio, to feel some semblance of normalcy. 

By the time they make it to the living area, they realize that everyone has already begun to file back out into the vehicle where they soon join them, and Yong waits for his brothers to file in before he gets in beside him gritting his teeth to keep from hissing at the discomfort his leg had been causing him.  
However, he was grateful that they did not pester him on how he should remain bedridden with his leg elevated and iced for the time being until the doctor had given him clearance, but they all knew that he would get lost in his thoughts and eventually refuse to even get up.

He barely registers the voices around him as Mark and Jungwoo begin arguing over a game in the backseat, hands slapping at the other. He stares out at the snow-covered grounds from the recent storm and finds the white dustings appealing to the eye, something to grasp his attention. 

The young leader hears a cry from the backseat and feels the younger’s body stiffen beside him drawing his attention to a pale Doyoung his skin is almost as ashen as the snow, his gaze is staring straight ahead, eyes wide with panic and fingers trembling against his leg. 

Without a second thought he reaches his hand out to intertwine their fingers before giving it a reassuring squeeze. To be completely honest, riding in a car had his nerves on edge as well as he was constantly waiting for them to veer off the road or to be whacked into from the side. 

Doyoung tightens his grip and they can see the perspiration gathering on their forehead and then there is another squeal from the backseat and that seemed to be the breaking point as the other hunches forward hand wrapping around his head as he draws in deep breaths through his mouth trying to breathe through the anxiety radiating through his body. 

“Hyung.” Mark starts, completely leaving the game behind and reaching across the seat to rub at the others back. “Are you okay?” 

Taeyong responds with a soft nod as they begin running their fingers through the others locks, this had been happening a lot lately where they would barely make it through the ride before the other was gasping and anxious. “Hand me his bag.”

Mark doesn’t hesitate and reaches for the others bag and hands it off to the other where Tae begins to quickly dig through the contents of their bag before pulling out a pill bottle filled with tan pills and quickly spills out two pills into his palm before placing it into the palm of their member's hand and bringing it to their trembling lips. 

“That’s it.” He coos, trying to keep the concern from his voice and grabbing a bottle of water from the side door. “It’s okay. We’re almost there.” 

The younger only nods in response as they continue to draw in deep inhalations trying desperately to calm the nausea and shakes that are possessing their body. He hated this, hated the way that his body will shake and the fear he felt. Every motion of the car made him feel as though they were flipping, again and again, the head being tossed every which way until they come to a violent halt. 

Everything remains quiet as Mark continues to draw circles on the other back until the car pulls off to a halt outside of their studio. Doyoung is the first one out, still breathing deeply as the other begin jumping out beside him, and the members who had left in the first vehicle come to file around them. 

“Are you all right Doyoung-ie?” It’s Taeil’s voice that greets them first as he wraps his arms around the other's shoulders and tell the others that he will take him to the bathroom to clean him up before practice. 

Johnny stands back from the others, shoulders slouched and eyes remaining on the ground beneath him. The look he has in his gaze is almost unreadable, as he seems to be pondering something deep. 

“Let’s file in.” This order is given by their dance instructor who comes walking up with a cup of coffee in hand and multiple layers of clothes to keep himself warm. 

Taeyong finds himself lost again within his thoughts as they walk into the building one by one, but he hangs back just far enough to allow them to enter first before falling in behind them. 

He inhales sharply to take in the all but missed the scent of cleaners and sweat that hindered the air. He missed this smell and the feel of the solid ground beneath his feet as he would dance across the floors getting lost within the beat of the music. 

The young idols chest aches with this thought, he yearns to feel free again, to hear his sneakers squeak against the floors and the low lights to be dancing across his sweat covered from. To forget all of his stresses and life for just a moment.

The thought makes his chest feel heavy, and he wanted it to stop. He finds himself looking back down the hall towards where their bathroom stalls are and resist the urge to go down these empty corridors to check on the others knowing full well the Taeil was highly capable of caring for the vocalist. 

Instead, he follows the members into the studio where the mirrors surround them. They watch as their members drop their diffuse in the corner of the room and begin shedding themselves of their winter gear but he just hangs back at the door watching as they fall into line, voices echoing through the room. 

He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and turns quickly to see Taeil whose accompanied by a tired-looking Doyoung. Tae honestly had to resist the urge to pull the other into his arms to assure him that everything will be okay and that it was going to get better soon because, to be honest, that was the reassurance he was needing to be told because he felt like everything was crumbling through his fingers like sand and water. 

But instead, he gives a soft smile that never quite meets his eyes before turning his attention back to the young vocalist and gives him a questioning look that gets a hesitant response of “I’m okay.” 

After a few minutes, they all fall into line with Taeyong observing from the sidelines where he is seated in a corner with a laptop resting against his lap and an AirPods resting in his right ear as he goes over some of their new material for their upcoming album. 

The sound of squeaking sneakers fills his left ear and he wants so badly to join in, to critique the moves and to add something new and complex to the mixture, but instead, he keeps himself busied by going through the multiple files with video recordings and lyric updates. 

He finds his mind wandering, eyes looking implicitly at his knee thinking back to when they had last been here, when he had last been here. Ready to go home and shower away his stupidity. If he had just waited, had just denied the alluring smell of food that went against all of the odds of this damn figure, then they would have never argued, they would have left in all laughs and giggles. 

But what were they going to do about it now, nothing? There was no sense in feeling sorry for himself, he knows this. But he shouldn’t have come, because the sounds and feel of the studio felt all too foreign to him and was making him feel on edge rather than calm.

He looks through their latest updates on their fan page, sees the comments listing down through his name, many netizens saying to kick him out of their group since he now yields no importance to them. These comments shouldn’t stick with him, but they do, they peel through his layers of skin and tell him just how worthless he is.

He finds his hands grasping at his crutches before he aids his body off of the ground and is heading towards the exit. He needs to gain some fresh air, to clear his head, he just needs to escape. He gives a half bow to their director before leaving the dance floor. He can still feel the ground vibrating with the sound of their music and for some reason, this makes him sick. 

He makes it to the bathroom where he leans against the sink side taking in slow breaths, this whole situation is too frustrating. He just wants to rip his hair out in frustration. 

In this state he feels useless and pitiful,, he yields no meaning to their group, he can’t even do what he was trained, no, what he was made to do. He had heard the managers speaking amongst themselves, whispering with the solemn edge to their voice. 

No matter the results, every time seemed to be more deterring, the mobility in his leg was shit, and alls it was good for was causing him pain. 

His body turns to the mirror where he stares long and hard at his reflection. The light dusting of bruises is barely visible anymore and the cuts that he had sustained had all but completely healed along with the abhorrent gash across his forehead. Regardless of this, he can’t stand to see himself anymore, skin ashen and frail, cheekbones more pronounced up against his dark and tired eyes. He was barely holding on at this point. 

He just wanted to scream and to rip his hair from his skull, to just feel something other than this trepidation and anger that was plaguing his mind. 

What happens next is almost a blur to him all he hears is a harsh scream that fills the vacant bathroom drowned out by the pounding of music as their hand slams into the glass creating webbed cracks across the clear edges. His fist is pounding into it’s center, once, twice, three times four, five. Blood is splashing along the countertop and caking the counter and sink. There are pieces of class jetting into his flesh and flacking along the ground but he can’t stop, chasing the pain that is spreading through his arm and dulling the mental pain that can not be explained. 

His fist whirls back again ready to pound into its unwitting victim but is stopped by a hand that clasps securely around his wrist and suddenly his world stops. 

The leader can’t meet the others gaze, can not bring themselves to stare back at them when his cheeks are burning with shame and realization. Had he even thought about what he was doing? The pain in his knuckles intensifies at the sudden recognition of damage, and he takes pleasure in the sensation. He’s still alive, still here in the moment.

Before he can think he pulls his wrist forcefully from the others grasp and holds the injured hand out in front of him.

“Hyung.” The voice is small, scared even. But he still won’t look, won’t acknowledge the maknae’s presence. “Hyung, let me get a med kit.”

“No!” He turns to the other, suddenly in a state of panic. “It’s okay,” his words trail off as he tries to find the next words. “Just, leave it alone, okay. I don’t want the others to stress over this, please.” He watches with bated breath as their youngest member stares back at the shattered glass and wonders how much he had seen. “I just fell, that’s all.”

The hand that rests at his side is dripping rhythmically with the red mine of liquid creating a small puddle at his side. The youngers eyes are continuing to fall between the mirror and his hyung, as though he is debating on what should be done. 

“It will be okay, just go back to the dance room and I will clean up.” His voice is visibly shaking and it takes him all but a moment to realize that their Hyuck looks visibly scared. “Please, just keep this between us, hmm…?” 

The other steps forward grabbing their wrist again and pulling their hand up to stare down at their injury. 

“I’ll keep it between us,” He says slowly before leveling their gaze. “But you have to have this looked at, I’ll say you fell, that I came in and saw it.” The youngers eyes are burrowing into his, and all he can do is nod. “Hyung, please tell us if you're feeling bad. Please don’t hold anything back. We want to help you. That is why we are here.” 

There are visible tears staring back at him and he doesn’t know what to do, so he just nods again, his hand is aching with discomfort but he still acknowledges the others plead because that is what a leader does, they lead and acknowledge the void of all life. 

Taeyong still hates that the only thing he can think is why bother, what was the point of continuing on with this pointless battle, not even their fans believed in his anymore. But the most alarming part was that the only thing keeping him grounded was the pain, not the mental pain that would tear at his should day in and day out bleeding him dry. But the physical pain that was waining through his arm reminding him that he still has control, that he is still relevant but what he really wants to do is to scream, to feel the burden lift from his shoulders so that his mind will stop screaming to stop tearing him apart with every new imperfection.

But now, now there is a new thought comes and weighs in on his parade of madness, his lips wanting to spill out the words as they weigh down on his chest like led, just two single words that would convey this hell.

"Heal me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe and warm during the winter season my lovelies! And feel free to leave kudos and your feedback in the comments for motivational purposes! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Okay, so first and foremost, thank you for all of the love! Seriously, imma cry! I have not written anything in such a long time and the love I have received makes me soooooo happy! I love you all so much!
> 
> Also, Just a heads up, I will be going back through this story to edit the chapters for grammatical errors this week. And without further ado, please enjoy this chapter that left me emotionally drained.

It had been a quiet process as he allowed the youngest to help him remove the pieces of glass from his hands with the help of their manager. 

They had stuck to the story of him falling into the mirror though it was hard to get through the fact that he had slices in his knuckles and a gash across his wrist from moving his hands too quickly without thinking through the consequences of his actions. 

The remainder of the evening he spent tucked away in the car waiting for the others alongside their manager who was still tending to the minor wounds he had inflicted.

Their manager was still young and was just coming out of college in his late 20s. They had all been well acquainted with their manager since this manager seemed to care more about their health and well being than the previous ones had. 

In fact, the group tended to call him casually by his first name, Sungho, not necessarily out of spite or being prudent but rather out of being more on a path of friendship rather than manager and idols.

Regardless of this, he was respectful and kind hearted and had been with Taeyong more than the others recently due to their different schedules and his trips back and forth to the hospital and treatment centers. 

The other finishes with the bandages and lets out a long sigh, before they begin cleaning the mess up and placing it into a grocery bag that they would dispose of at a later time.

“That must have been some fall.” He states bluntly, eyes looking up at him through the bridge of his glasses. “You should be alright but we’ll need to keep an eye on the injuries in case if they start to get infected.” The taller man sits back in their seat, eyeing the building before speaking again. “Not that you need to tell me anything that really happened back there, but I think it would be better to speak with your members because they need to hear from their leader, and I think you need them right now too, hmm?”

Yong only nods at this as he swallows past the building ball of emotion in his throat making it hard to speak and to answer his hyung. 

He wished at moments like this he could fade into the seat to escape the wondering eyes and the embarrassment he felt at his own actions. 

He knew better, knew how to be more stable but for some unbeknownst reason he lost his sense for just a moment. He wanted the pain to continue to flare, wanted to find control in the injury and to feel a sense of peace in this hell.  
He finally glances back out the window to see the others filing out in groups, most are jumping around the other laughing and joking about what was probably complete nonsense. 

The thought of going home felt relieving and he was happy to see that they appeared to have finished successfully, but for some reason he was also envious. 

He was mad at the fact that he was damaged and unable to contribute to their group aside from his lyrics and rap. The leader was enraged at the uselessness he was emanating, and he was unsettled at the thought that he would never be able to dance again. 

Would not be able to take to the stage and feel the rhythm of the music flow through his movements as he joined his children in their excitement, but now he was just a weighed in factor that they could dispose of at any given moment. 

Suddenly a hand is on his shoulder and he jumps from the shock of it as he realizes that his members were already packing into the vehicle. The hand belonged to Haechan as they gave them a soft squeeze of reassurance before the maknae was pushed forcefully by Mark as he slapped the youngers butt and laughed at the squeal of surprise before taking the seat beside his leader. 

“I heard you fell.” Mark says slowly as he pulls the seat belt across his chest and eyes the others arms that are wrapped meticulously to hide the wounds but the elder still tucks his hands into his pocket to obscure them from view. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, just a lot of water on the ground and with this useless leg of mine I wasn’t able to regain balance. But it’s not a huge deal. How did practice go?” He asks completely switching the subject to kill the building anxiety. 

“It was a-freaking-mazing!’ Comes Jungwoo’s voice as he deliberately climbs over top of Marks body whilst making sure that he lightly strikes the boy with his body various times before stationing himself in the back seat alongside of Dong-hyuck. “Mark-ie fell and proceeded to lay on the ground, which ultimately ended with my body falling over top of his and we got nothing done after that because we feigned injury so that we could sit and watch from the sidelines.” 

“Hey, you mean you feigned injuries!” Mark says with exasperation. “I was seriously in pain after you fell on top of my body hyung.” 

The argument proceeds and the blonde can barely suppress the smile that is playing at his lips before Tae finally calls for a time out between the two which leads to a strained silence for but a moment before the youngest burst into laughter and begins explaining how their physiognomy looked after the fact and how they were reamed for nearly twelve minutes by their instructor when he came back in.

The remainder of the evening plays out with some much needed silence since many of the members were quick to bathe and head to bed after eating a few slices of pizza that they had ordered on their way back. 

In the meantime, Taeyong had tossed and turned in his own bed before finally giving in and found himself waddling out into their living area where they saw a mane of chestnut colored locks peeking out from the seated figure on the couch. 

It was easy to pull Johnny out from a crowd and from the other members due to his tall frame and broad shoulders which seemed to attract many of their viewers attention since they found these aspects to be rather alluring to the eye. 

Anyone would be kidding themselves if they didn’t find the other attractive in a way, whether it was because of physical appearance or the fact that he was soft and caring but sardonic in a way that made him charming. 

However, at this moment, all Taeyong saw was the man who was continuously avoiding his presence, and the brother who seemed to be within his own eternal conflict. Before he can really think over his next steps he finds himself sitting across from him, watching as the realization of their presence seeps in and Suh’s face goes three shades whiter. 

“Johnny.” He starts, placing the crutches off to the side whilst holding the others gaze. 

God, Johnny looked so tired and pale, his eyes were sunken in with dark circles beneath them, his nails were chewed until they were nothing but mere nubs and their shirt seemed to be two sizes larger on them which was unusual for the usually fit visual. 

“We need to talk.” Yong tries this, he knows what the other will say, what they’ll do, but they need to get this out on the table before they both go mad. 

“There’s nothing to talk about Yong-ah.” The other states this with a shaky voice and it makes Lee’s chest pulse in discomfort. Were they this afraid to talk to them? Were they mad, or just frustrated with them? “I should head to bed, and you should too. You have an appointment to go to in the morning.” 

With this, Johnny begins to stand but stops when slender fingers wrap around his wrist forcing him to halt. 

“Wait, please.” Tae sounds desperate and he hates this feeling lingering in his chest so they need to stay, he needs him to stay. “Johnny, come with me tomorrow.” His voice is so low he barely realizes that he is speaking and wonders if the other hears him at all. “Please.”

Suh’s body visibly stiffens at the request and he finds himself staring back into the others brown eyes that drew him in like a bear to honey. 

“I have a schedule, you know this.” Johnny states with a slight whine and suddenly he regrets his words as the others soulful eyes seem to lose their color. 

The leader wants to tell him he’s terrified. 

To admit that he needed him now more than ever. 

He needed someone to alleviate some of this anxiety that is building inside of his chest.

To beg them to just be there with him.

But instead he releases his hold on the others wrist and gives an absent shake of his head. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Yong doesn’t even allow the other to say another word as they sit back into the couch and stare absently at the black screen of their television. “You should head in, you have a hectic schedule this week, hyung.”

The last part hits the taller males differently since they had dropped the honorifics when it came to the members that shared the same birth year. But the ‘hyung’ only let them know that they fucked up. 

He looks back at the depletion in the leaders body as his smaller form sinks deeper into the couch without looking back in his direction.

Before the foreign member is able to try and speak again Taeyong has grabbed his crutches and hoist himself up with a visible moan of exertion as pain shoots through his leg. He had overexerted himself and was now facing the consequences of his own actions. 

“Yong-ie.” Johnny begins, softening his tone as he watches the other struggle for a moment more as they regain their footing. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Then what did you mean?” The youngers voice is nearly a hiss, and he tries to pull himself back together tries to hold it all in, but he is so frustrated and he can’t take this rift between them 

“I just,” Johnny feels as though he is stumbling over his words now, like he is suffocating. What was he supposed to say?

Sorry that I fucked up?

Sorry I didn’t wait to talk to you in private.?

I shouldn’t have exposed you like that?

I should have been more attentive. 

I should have been a better brother. 

I failed you, and now I have to live with it.

He feels his eyes burning with emotion and he has to bite his inner lip to keep himself from allowing these feelings to show. 

“I’m sorry.” Johnny settles for these words, as their eyes meet and he feels the tears spilling over but he doesn’t dare wipe them away. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive on the road. I’m sorry I brought that up in the car, I should have waited.” They feel their lips trembling as these words sashay past his lips. “I’m sorry I did this to you.” His voice has shattered at this point, as his hiccuped cry breaks past the borders of his throat. “I fucked up, and I fucked up your fucking leg Yong. You should fucking hate me! Doyoung should hate me! He can’t even drive in a car without having an anxiety attack. I fucked everything up, and I am too afraid to face it.”

Taeyong stands there for a moment in awe. Their wide Bambi eyes gazing back at their friend, no, their brother as he comes undone before him. 

Without another thought he forces himself forward, dropping his crutches at his side as he reaches around his brother and pulls him into his embrace. 

However, the two are completely unstable and end up falling back into the sofa, where the leader continues to pull his quaking form into his embrace and rests the others head against his chest.  
“Shhh, it’s okay. I have you.” Tae whispers these words into their hair whilst their hand draws circles over his upper back. “I know it’s terrifying, but there was nothing you could have done to prevent that from happening. You didn’t fail us, please don’t blame yourself.” 

Tae pulls the others face away from his chest so that his fingers can brush over his cheeks and wipe away the tears. 

Taeyong watches as his own tears blend with the others falling down his cheeks as he continues to brush the wet fluids from the others face, before out of horror he laughs. 

“We’re a fucking mess.” The leader chuckles before resting his forehead against the others whilst the tears continued to spill over his skin and cries sashay past Johnnys lips. “But we’re our own mess, hmm?”

After a long moment of cries that have slowed to small hiccups their gaze meets and their orbs continue to preoccupy the others, neither wanting to leave this moment. 

His skin feels warm, and his shoulders feel lighter, though they continue to allow themselves to shamelessly cry in front of each other.

To be straight though, the feeling of Taeyong’s touch against his own flesh ignites his heart and his skin flutters with excitement. Johnny just wants to live here forever in this moment where they feel secure and comforted.

“We’re going to be okay.” Yong’s voice is low, but the words are soft and filled with an adamancy that Johnny was overjoyed to hear. “I’m going to dance again, even if I have to sell my soul to satan himself, so that I can continue to carry these kids to success.” Their smile makes his heart flutter in anticipation and he finds himself leaning closer. “Just, just stay with me and help me to heal, I need you.” 

Johnny’s lips pull up at the corners and his teeth show at the others encouraging words. 

“You know I will take care of your dumb ass.” He states, allowing his smile to falter. “But promise me that you will lean on me, and use me as a crutch. Let me help you heal both physically and mentally.” 

Taeyong only nods against his head before resting his cheek in the crook of their neck and breathing in the alluring scent of earthy tones. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you.” Tae says before letting out a long breath and allowing his body to rest against the others. 

“I know baby.” Johnny replies before kissing the top of the others blond locks and pulling him into his arm earning a squeal from the other as he carefully flips them over so that they are laying on their sides facing each other. “I’ll go with you, they can record without my supervision.” 

“Thank you.” He responds before nuzzling his head into the other's chest just wanting to feel this skin ship for a little longer before morning. 

‘Thank you’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave your thoughts in the comments below and stay safe out there!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, first off, I suck. I am so sorry. Life has been a pain but I should have like two more chapters to go and have this baby tucked in bed. Okay, with that being said, check out the end notes lovelies and stay safe!

It had been a rough start to the week as Taeyong had been back and forth from doctors appointment to doctor appointment with only an empty promise of a brighter future. He hated having to wait throughout the week for the results and to hear what their next steps would be, this part terrified him to no end. 

But, having Johnny there always seemed to calm his growing nerves, he felt that he leaned heavily on him to find that comfort they once shared and as a means of keeping sane during these times. 

He sits across from the others now in their studio watching as Mark goes over his lyrics again with a furrowed brow. 

“Maybe,” he starts to mumble before meeting the leaders gaze. “Maybe I should speed it up? It doesn’t sound right to me.” 

“It sounds good, actually.” Yong starts before leaning forward. “I think maybe keep it at the pace you have now but drop your tone in the last sentence.” 

“That would make sense. It flows better. Let’s give it a whirl then.” He says this and receives a thumbs up. And with this Yong watches as Mark walks back into the studio to record the sketch again in hopes of getting the beat and rhythm of the lyrics correct this time around. 

He stays and watches as each one records individually, completely invested in the songs and before Yong knows it their day was coming to a close. It was nice to hear the others laugh and poke fun at one another because it made their world seem normal.

His hands instinctively reach out to grab the crutches at his side where he uses them to hoist himself up and off of the seat nearly losing his balance before a hand rest beneath his elbow from behind and pulls him up. 

“Whoa there.” Comes Jaehyun’s voice, soft and concerned as usual but it always seems to ground the leader. “We’re heading to get food. Are you in?” He asks, not expecting him to agree to it since he had only ever wanted to come and work and then head back to curl up under the covers and sleep the day away. 

“I have an appointment early tomorrow, I think I will head back and get some sleep instead.” He gives the other a smile which he slowly returns with a nod of acceptance. “Thanks.” 

With this they part ways, And just like this the days would carry out. 

Each visit to the doctors always had him feeling more stressed, but with each one there was a new opportunity. One thing they had begun to do in hopes of building the mobility back in the leg was physical therapy in which Taeyong was sure the devil himself had created to harm the people living amongst the world. 

However, it was worth the pain if it meant him being able to perform again, and to contribute to their group. He barely recalls making it home and passing out before he is starting the day again, starting with the appointment and then PT and before he knows it two more days had passed, and the leader finds himself barely capable of standing at this point even with the help of the crutches. 

The pain he felt that afternoon was inexplicable as it radiated through his flesh like knifes beating against a cutting board and it gets to the point where he can no longer control the flow of tears as they pave down his face. 

He wants to be better wants to be able to perform again but he can’t. 

He can do nothing but go through the same thing day in and day out with the nimble hope that he would miraculously get better. 

His hands run along his knee before his fingers fist at the fabric of his sweat pants. He needs this pain to cease before he tries to stand, it had kept him up throughout the evening but he would not share this, would not surpass a day of therapy in order to escape the pain. The pain was only a symptom, right? 

After a long while he would always find himself pulling up from the bed nearly losing his footing as he tries to walk across the bedroom floor, but this morning was different, the pain was too much. His leg felt as though it was on fire with the flames spreading up and down his leg as though oil was poured in the direction for the flames to eat away. 

His vision begins to blur at the edge and before he can catch himself from falling he strikes the floor with a hard thud, this only intensifies the pain and before he can stop himself he screams out hand falling to his leg to cradle the injured area. 

There are footsteps behind him and a figure is suddenly at his side hands grabbing at his shoulders whilst asking him if he was alright. 

His breathing is quick and he can hardly think straight to actually respond, but finds the will when the other member begins to grab for their phone. 

“Fine.” He gasps, grabbing feebly at the others arm. “I’m fine.” 

“Shit, Hyung you scared the hell out of me.” The voice is young, and not one that he was used to hearing since they were banned together in 127. But he knows the Thailand accent anywhere. 

“What the, why?” Taeyong finds himself mumbling before trying to ease himself into a sitting position. The other had not changed a bit, still small and frail with dark circles beneath his eyes. “How?” 

“We’re in the area for filming, but why the hell are you moving around without your crutches?” He says this slowly, as though testing the words out on his own tongue, which does not surprise Yong at all since he had been forced to learn a whole other language since joining WayV. “I stopped by to say hi and realized that no one was here, until I heard you.” 

The other is off of the floor with practiced grace as he walks over to the others bedside and grabs for the crutches. 

“You should take better care of that leg if you ever want it to heal.” Ten says this with a tentative smile before he is at his side again, leaning down beside him again and reaching under his arm to pull him up. “It’s okay to be hurt Hyung.” 

The words leave the leader to process the thought, he hated how readable he was in his Daesongs presence, it was as though he were reading a book and just skipping right into the next chapter without their consent. 

“Johnny told me you have been meeting with your PT a few times a week, and...” he stops at this with his arms looped around his and hoisting him from the ground. “And other things that are visible.” They say this with a snarky grin that he can’t bring himself to be mad at. 

“Shit.” He hisses as the other helps him back to the bed instead.

He grits his teeth wanting the searing pain to abate for even a moment at this point as he watches the other digging through his bag that he had left at the door before pulling out a cooling patch and a bottle of what looked to be Aleve. 

“Seriously though, when was the last time you took a moment to care for your body hyung? You look worse than when I left you.” Ten days this before handing him two blue pills and a bottle that was still half full with water. 

“It’s been rough.” He admits, before nodding his thanks. “I’ll be fine.” 

“You’re aware that healing takes time, correct?” Ten arches his brow at him this time. “It’s not an overnight process.”

Taeyong hates to admit it, but he is not far off at all. He wants to rush into things when he is out of control, he needs something to be going right and he wants it to be an overnight thing, wants the negative comments to cease and for netizens to not view him as a burden. He wants them to see that he is trying and that he is doing everything possible to heal.

“Don’t take this on yourself Yong, we are here for you.” He gathers the others hand in his before giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I heard that they are seeing positive results with the PT, but let’s take it easy, hmmm?” 

Taeyong nods at this, watching as Ten slowly stands again and removes his hand from the others embrace. 

“Besides, you have to heal.” They turn their attention back towards the elder with a mischievous smile playing at their lips. “I forgot the chorus to ‘baby don’t stop’.” 

Suddenly the leader is looking at him in disbelief, he had to be joking, he had too.

“Seriously?” Yong asks before he starts to chuckle. “You can’t be serious, we worked hard on that one.” 

“Mmhmm, and that will give you all the reasons to work through it with me again once you are healed.” He gives him a wink before exiting the room and calling out from the hall, “I brought noodles and soup.” 

Yong shakes his head at this, they were seriously a mess at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your amazing support I swear I could cry every time I read your comments and see your kudos. I love you guy’s! I will also be going back to edit chapters too.


	9. One step at a time

-

It had been on the cusp of a month and a half filled with more pain, but he felt better, maybe not physically as much but mentally he was feeling stable. They had already begun to film for their new album, finally pulling out of their hiatus.

He had been back and forth with PT and was finally able to put pressure on the leg. This was a god sent with the hope of not having to go through surgery that had the possibility of causing more harm than good. 

Though it seemed like a small accomplishment, he learned from the small dancer that each accomplishment should be viewed as a victory and a blessing that he was still able to move even if it was a few steps.

Taeyong feels his legs drag across the dance room floor and he can practically hear the squeaking of sneakers as they dance across the floors slicked in sweat and dancing until they passed out from exhaustion. 

He discarded his crutches at the door and used the wall for support, it still hurt but he wanted to feel the familiarity of it again and it felt nice, like a weight lifting from his chest. 

The thought of dancing these floors again was alluring, like a cushion of a dream. What he’d give to monitor their movements and establish his place as the lead dancer again. 

However, he would dance again, even if it meant having to take a little more time to make this possible, he would set their dances again for the stage. They would all feel the rush of excitement together, right?

He pushes away from the mirrors, allowing his legs to test the floor beneath him. He wanted to feel free again and to be able to dance around the room without a hinderance to his leg. He wanted to be able to move around briskly but that would not happen. 

Baby steps is what he tries to stick to, or the idea of one step at a time in the right direction. This was not permanent, they would figure something out even if it meant surgery to fix it. 

He takes another hesitant step forward treating the ground like a sheet of ice that could break at any given moment. Every sense in him aches with want and the need to dance away his stressors. He wants this more than anything. He turns his body towards the mirrors to stare at his reflection, he had been working on getting back to a healthy diet and weight since this whole thing had taken place and was succeeding in at least that since his cheeks that were sunken were beginning to fill out again. 

This was thanks to the support system he had and the fact that Doyoung would continue to force food upon him when he was feeling bad. 

His eyes wander to his knee again, this had all started over a few skipped meals and forcing the contents of his dinner from his body to prevent the feeling of anxiety that would guide his mind into madness. It didn’t help the small comments that their managers and designers would make whenever they had begun to gain weight and looked healthy. But that is not what an idol is supposed to be, no. They want them to be a rail and to look emaciated to fit the public’s view. 

Yong lets out a long sigh as he slips in a headphone and begins shuffling through his music to find the right song to move too. This wasn’t his brightest of moves but he needed to wind down, and he knows his limits, knows just how far he can stress this before it becomes too much. 

He moves his legs hesitantly testing the grounds as discomfort radiates through his knee but he continues to move. His mind is on the husk of an iceberg allowing his body to grow accustomed to the movements. He hears the lyrics playing through his ears as he fathoms the feeling of freedom that he he had not felt in so long. 

He moves slowly, embracing the uncomfortable feeling radiating through his flesh before he shifts too suddenly and his leg goes out from beneath him and his body clashes with the ground. 

A whimper makes its way past his lips and he can’t help but feel flustered whilst pain encases his entire leg. 

The rapper knew that they should have waited should take it slower, should stop here but they don’t and instead they pull their body from the ground to force themselves into a standing position. 

This was not going to end with this, he wanted to prove this to himself. The pain would cease he would make it even if that meant ignoring his own struggles for the sake of their group. 

He arches his back first and brings his uninjured leg out in front of himself before pulling himself to his feet groaning as pain encased his knee. He would not let this end this day but he stops only when he sees their brothers lean frame standing in the door eyeing them cautiously before stepping in to the room and approaching their side. 

Their eyes are kind and he hates the hurt that hides behind his gaze and he feels his eyes wander away from the mirror. 

They know that they are overthinking this. Overthinking how they could respond how they could deny that they should not feel this helpless in front of the others. It was weakness and he would have been beaten to shit by his trainers if they saw I’m him in such a deplorable state. 

“Hey.” Doyoung says slowly, before meeting his brothers gaze in the reflection. “You should take it easy. It doesn’t feel bad now but it will later.” 

He only nods, he knows this information. He had been lectured by every doctor in the state and by their managers and coaches who were constantly telling him to slow it down, to take caution. But how? 

They were still falling apart. His skin crawls and his mind sinks he wants to sleep away the pain and the current situation. But he still pulls a stiff smile and shakes his head again because he is afraid that if he uses his voice it will elude him and allow the pain beneath his skin to leak through.

He allows the younger boy to help him over to the corner where he sits to rest against the mirror and allows his body to relax. His hand falls to his knee where he begins rubbing at the sore area and basking in the relief that he feels now that he is resting it. 

Doyoung moves to grab a bottle of water that he hands off to their leader allowing him to guzzle the clear liquids. Yong had barely had the chance to move around but he already felt exhausted.

“You should have waited for me.” Doyoung stated before sitting down beside him. “You can only take so much and with continuing to push your leg it will take it longer to heal.” He looks back to the others leg watching as he cradled it in his hand and watched as his large eyes watching as the material bunches beneath his grip.

“This is frustrating.” They say this with a disgruntled tone. “I can’t do as much as I used too and I feel like I am just holding the others back at this point.” He feels the words leave his mouth before he can stop himself. “I know, it will take time but it has been too long, and the fans are right I should just step away.” 

“Really? You are going to listen to them? They aren’t even true fans if they are talking shit.” His eyes meet his and Yong feels his head clear of thoughts whenever he is in the others presence as though he can just relieve his anxieties and feel a sense of peace. “Yong.” He starts this time placing a hand on the others shoulder. “You, no we. Are going to make it through this. Next month you will be with us on that stage whether you can dance or not and it will be just as wild as it always is, promise.” 

Yong only nods as he processes the words and allows them to deep into his skin. He knows this, he wants to continue to make it through this patch and to continue down this path with his group. He wants this freedom, wants to be with them. 

“We are going to make it, one step at a time.” Doyoung grips his other shoulder forcing him to hold his gaze. “Together from here on out, okay.” 

“Okay.” They respond before allowing a smile to play at their lips as they reach up to squeeze Doyoung’s wrists. “Okay.”

"Now, sit your ass down before you hurt yourself any further dumbass," Doyoung says this with such practiced grace that all he can do is chuckle at the other's words. 

They would make it through this even if it meant a few more weeks of pain and hardships. He would make it back on stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I am so sorry for the late and short update. Life has been a roller coaster of hell, but I have one last chapter to go. Also, thank you guys for your patience and love! You guys have kept me going even though I have been going through some stuff! Love you all!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! So sad this is the end but thank you for the love! You guy's are the freaking best!

It had been a total of six months since the accident and he felt that they had made a grave movement in their healing. 

Doyoung had finally been able to drive in a car without clutching onto his leg and shaking apart with much help from the others and short rides through the neighborhoods that helped put him at ease. 

Johnny and Tayong had been able to discuss that evening's events again without any harsh feelings that they had felt the evening of the accident and came to terms that it was time to take a closer look at the matter from a respectable lens. 

More importantly, Tayong had been able to move around without the aid of his crutches. However, some of the damage to the bone marrow was still permanent and required him to take it easier on his legs which meant limited practices and having to sit down through most of the stage performances. 

Though this was a small price to pay it still felt suffocating in a sense since it took away his ability to completely perform, but with the promises of future treatments and continued physical therapy and care for the limb, there was a promise that soon he would be able to jump around the stage with ease. 

He hears the vibration of the ground as the stag above them comes alive with screams from endearing fans awaiting their performance. They had been on a hiatus for quite some time now and it was a long-overdue comeback that was leaving them beaming with excitement. 

Yong's stomach churns in what he can only think is excitement, as he shuffles the microphone from one hand to the next trying to breathe away the nerves that were running through his arms and legs. 

“Hey, you good?’ Mark asks from his left, his hazel eyes staring back at him in the dim lighting. 

He nods in response and gives him a tight smile. 

He’s waited for this for so long and the thought and thrill of the stage were seriously beckoning him forward. 

If he were being honest, it had been a really rough patch in his life and felt as though it had been one thing after the other leaving him both physically and mentally exhausted. 

Moreover, if his members had not been there, he honestly thinks that he would never have made it this far and would have thrown in the towel at the beginning of this prolonged hell. 

But they were family now, no matter how harsh their company may be at the times, and the many challenges that they faced, they had each other to rely on. In fact, these events helped him to realize that he did not need to carry the weight of everything on his own and could consult and rely on his members during these difficult times.

He feels a hand rest on his shoulder and hears a whisper in his ear that sends a smile to his lips. 

“Let’s kick it, and introduce the crowd to our new thang.” Haechan says with confidence. 

“Ewww, your jokes are getting worse and worse,” Mark says whilst scrunching his nose at the maknae's words. 

“Then you shouldn’t have been listening.” Haechan spats back before Jaehyun grabs his ear and gives it a harsh tug. 

“Not before the performance you two.” He reprimands before joining the others in front of the stairs. “It’s been a while, you ready for this,” he asks before turning to face their leader. 

“Ready as I am going to get,” Tae responds smoothly before glancing down at his knee. 

The ghost of pain was still there and to be honest this scared him to no end, but he knew that he had to urge himself to take it slowly and to dance down to the altered choreographies that their choreographer had been gracious enough to conjure up during the past month and a half since he had been practicing again on the dance floor. 

He hears their director state that they will be heading out in three, and he feels his heart flutter in his chest. 

This was the most nervous that he had been in forever, and he knew that the others must feel the same. 

He takes a deep inhalation and allows it to flutter out through his parted lips trying to lift the weight off of his chest. 

This would not become another obstacle, not after all of the work that he had put into this. Not after the tedious hours spent in therapy breathing through the pain and the sweat and tears wasted. 

He turns around to face the other and extends his hands for the others to join and one by one they flock together. 

“On in one.” 

“NCT, let’s get it!” Taeyong says before raising his hand along with the others that were piled atop his own and lowering it quickly before they all retracted their hands and harmonized in a series of applaud before turning back to face the stairs leading to the stage.

They would succeed together through this, and they would give it their all because that is how success follows through.

\- 

Yong falls back against the chair chest heaving with each gasp. The performance had been a success but the pain he was feeling was deterring, to say the least.

He feels hands on his pant leg as their staff pulls up his pant legs and applies an ice pack to the aching joints. There are so many voices collecting around him and he is just trying to tone in on the voice at his side and he turns to see Doyoung's worried eyes staring back at him.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" He gasps, before reaching out to grab the water bottle sitting beside him. 

There was so much activity going on around him on stage and he felt like he could hardly keep up. But was prompted to keep going slower and to ease up on movements, whether it was through a look, words, or gestures. However, they did it and they made it through their first comeback and their concert. 

Even though the hindrances and the moments of apprehension at certain movements caused pain to sprout through his leg in little blossoms. 

However, they remembered to remain humble and self-aware of just how much his leg could take. 

"I'm fine." He says again giving Doyoung a reassuring smile. 

And truly, he was. He felt invigorated and knew that through acknowledging just how far he could push himself he would need to take it one step at a time in order to fully succeed in the process of not only healing his body but his soul as well.

‘Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.’

\--Robert Collier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again! I will be going back through this story in the following weeks to edit and add more content as well! Have a safe and wonderous new year!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this is un-betaed so forgive me for any grammatical errors; however, I will be editing the story as I go along. I am honestly just trying to get back into writing and I seriously love bromance and wanted a hurt/comfort story that I could write to deal with life and all that it entails! I hope that you like it! Also, comments feed my motivation!


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